Expecto Patronum! Did it work?

Well I think the interview went well...I haven't heard back from them yet so my nerves are perpetually fraying. On that note my mom's lease is apparently up in the next 3-4 months so I have hit a MASSIVE fork in my road of life. I'm scared shitless too because I'm not really sure which way I should go or what to do.

The options that are staring me down like a Bogart are; to somehow get myself another job like now, so that I can pay off my old debt and somehow find a place of my own or one that I can share with a room mate (one that doesn't hate me) and become a workaholic void of a social life and only spend my hard earned money on bills and groceries. I honestly think I could do it if I had a second job and a willing person to live with me. I'm not a bad room mate or anything, just so we're clear.

orrrrr...

I can fill out my FAFSA and apply to a school that has an amazing Communications program and start anew there and just find a new job in the town where the school is. I've been thinking about this one for quite some time because due to recent circumstances my tuition could be paid in full just by fin. aid alone. I could handle being away from my family for four years and only visiting on weekends,holidays and summer vacation. BUT I will not go back to community college again! I know it's good and all because I have friends that are currently going there still but that would mean that I would have to come home and try to study and I have already tried this once before five years ago and I'm not looking for a rerun. Plus "if I don't go back soon, I'll never go back."

I'm going to keep mulling over these two things now and wait for a call.

In the meantime if any of you were in my shoes, which do you think you would pick?

xoxo

Making my own happiness, with a little bit of help

March is almost over and so is the madness*! So I guess that if I want to finish this month off right (BEDM) I should get some good posts coming,huh? Good thing the Possibility Fairy** dropped a new possible job opportunity today. I'm not going to go into too much detail about it just yet because I have a way of jinxing things before they even happen.

Also, the other day I was having an especially crappy and stressful day so I went to Target and picked up the Grace Potter and the Nocturnals CD and it totally pulled me out of my funk!

Just had to get that out. Wish me luck?

More updates as they come!

xoxo

*March Madness! I'm not a basketball fan but KU lost so that sucks for them, but it's just a game AND there's always next year!

**The magic fairy that sheds light on you in your darkest of hours.

Good Lord, really?

I checked my email the other day, not really expecting to find anything I was gifted with this nugget; 

Wow you are so pretty and you have a nice and good smile,bet you were created for a good purpose and for a wonderful man like me..I would love to know more about you as your profile and picture really caught my attention .. I am very self reliant and I am honest, loyal and I stand by the ones I love. I expect to be treated with the same respect. ? I dislike false people who cannot stand up for themselves or what they believe in. I don?t like dishonesty in any form, in my opinion,there is no such thing as a white lie. .Lets talk more better..Anyway nice smile..You are so sweet

I have no words to describe how I felt after I read this..other than stupid.

Jersey Shit ruined my night.

Today started off well, my brother woke up for me with little to no problems. I slept and got most of the family's laundry done and I even wrote a shitty post about Starbucks (I should totally be compensated for that). Then I went to see Limitless (solo, because I'm awesome) and I only saw half of it because I got a text from my mom asking me if I wanted to meet her and the rest of the family for dinner.
(Here comes the downhill slide)  Sooo I went, and by the time I got there their food was about to come out and instead of hanging out with me while I ate really quick they left me. For fucking Jersey Shore!!!! That's right folks, my family, my own family left me for a bunch of overly paid, Oompa Loopa colored, annoying kids from New Joisey!

Loserville-population 1
So I got my food and sat at a table full of empty plates and glasses and listened to some more peoples conversation's and Tweeted and bitched to my friends about how furious I felt. Yeah my lame levels have gone up about a billion fucking points after tonight! Can I get a restart button? Please??

My usual creative, slightly witty and annoying posts have gone out the window this month I think. Thanks Life.

Have I mentioned that my relationship with reality tv shows lately is more of  the love/hate variety these days?

This month needs to end already!

How was your day guys?

xoxo

Random Fact: Ke$ha lifts my spirits if I'm in a shitty mood. Don't judge me.

This didn't turn into what I was hoping it would..

If you were to walk into the Starbucks by my house right now you would see the "usual" crowd for this area, business men still in their suits sipping coffee and teas and unwinding before they head home, two random guys talking about who knows what, and the people that are here for the wifi and  a cute couple nuzzling in one of the many overstuffed and amazingly comfortable chairs. Then there's me. I don't think that I really belong in a place where there is such an palpable vibe of "cool". Okay so I know that not ALL Starbucks locations are as cool I wish they were but I've been to a few pretty sweet ones over the years. If your ever in Kansas City and have a hankering for a cup of joe and you're close to The Country Club Plaza you should check out the Starbucks there. You don't even have to get all the way into the door and the energy is palpable!  Good lord I should stop with the promoting of this drug house. Why am I even writing still?? I know I had a subject to write about when I came in here to borrow their wifi in the first place and it has left me. Sigh. I wonder if any  of the barista's blog?

Next time I write I'm hoping that I'll actually have something worth while to write for you guys...

But til then this Chai Latte is the cat's meow.

P.S If Starbucks did like want to endorse me to write about them or even hire me for a second job, I'd totally take it.
P.P.S This place is such a great place to people watch and accidentally eavesdrop on other peoples conversations. I"M SO BAD but I can't help it!
xoxo

I'm open to some interpretations

This morning I had two very interesting dreams that I just can not seem to shake, then again the first one I don't really want to.

The first one was about my dad and stepmom-my first dream with my dad and stepmom in it since both of them have passed. It started with me feeling as though I was being led to the area where we were and then whatever had a hold of me in the first place was gone as soon as I set foot on the grassy hills of what I'm assuming is my dad and stepmom's burial plot. I was wearing a black dress that I actually have in my closet and everyone else around me was in black and shades of white. My brother,step-sisters and their families were all there, along with my stepmom and dad's siblings and their families that were with him until the end were there.The first thing I saw when I looked at the sky was two blazing rays of sunlight shining through the overcast clouds and I started to talk to sister's and everyone else until I looked back again and saw my dad and stepmom sitting on a blanket in their wedding clothes and they were right under the rays of sun just beaming at us all. I turned my head to talk to some other family and they disappeared again!

The second one is really strange. I think I was a cartoon or something, I'm not really sure but I was in this lake or massive tide pool type thing with human hybrids? Except they had no legs and no arms from the elbow down sand they were more of a fat glob of skin and bones than anything. Apparently they were going to teach me how they reproduced...the whole process was really disturbing.

So what do you guys think these could mean? They happened seperately so I really hope that there isn't anyway that they could be connected at all.

xoxo

Why do we never learn from our mistakes?

After tonight I think a rant type thing-a-ma-jig is in order here.

Attention gentleman I'm about to let you in on a HUGE secret about your fellow species, the fairer of the sexes, the Eve's to your Adam's. Are you ready? Can you handle it? Ok lean in close it's a big secret that you should all know and try to remember every now and then about the women around you. ALL OF THEM!!
Have you ever seen the movies Witches of Eastwick? Practical Magic? Terms of Endearment? Noticing a pattern or two here? Besides the fact that they are all chick flicks they are also stories of women with power and an emotion or two. But the power in which I speak of is one that we all have (yes some use their's sparingly or not at all) while others would consider it almost like air to them if it had to be used 24/7. It's called Women's Intuition gentlemen! It's probably one of the things that you dislike most about your girlfriend's because us women like to nag, and yes we do think that we are ALWAYS right so stop wasting your breath and just nod your head yes to us 98% of the time. Even if we are wrong in the end eventually some of us will admit it and be slightly remorseful.

Now to the point...betcha might want that now, huh?
Well tonight is finally Saturday! The day/evening that I was supposed to go on a what I thought was fairly set in stone date as far as plans went (meeting place,distance between each other and whatnot). Boy was I 7 sorts of wrong there. I thought we were going to a shopping district area thing for dinner and coffee and to walk and talk or whatever. Nope two hours or so before I was about to get ready and put a little more effort into my appearance he texts me asking where we were meeting. See my confusion?After giving some BS excuses about it "not being his scene" and that he was worried about me being bored and that he didn't know the area too well. He offered up some suggestions and since I am not too active in exploring my native city past the Broadway Bridge (especially alone, and too fairly unfamiliar territory) and especially to meet a near perfect stranger. I listened to my ituition and my friend with whom I was staying with last night and this afternoon and a yellow flag or two showed up and any possible dangers that may have lurked in tonight's shadows were dodged.

I think it's time for a little info about the gentleman- a pro's and con's list if you will.

Pro's

• He's smart and funny.
• A college grad and has a steady job that he is good at.
• He wrote me a character reference for a job that I applied for that is the same company that he works for just a different location.
• He made me feel special for awhile.

Con's

He lives in Overland Park.

No offense to the guy but in my past experiences with guys from that area they seem to think that their money and cars and the sizes of their houses give them the right to treat women that are not from that area like dirt under their over priced shoes. Sorry bucko but that's not how us Missouri girl's (like me) roll.


I hit a new record for myself, I did something wrong to upset them or scare them off before we have even met, even though we had been talking for about a month or two! Even after I gave him a "quasi apology" he kept pouring salt in as though everything was kosher. I'm not stupid so there's no reason to talk to me as though your my teacher or something. I am also not one to start drama because it's completely unnecessary! But a simple answer would have sufficed for me, either meet me at the what I thought was a previously discussed and agreed upon location or just say no. My skin has become pretty thick and resiliant against emotions and some attempts to hurt from others so I wasn't really all that hurt. I was doing what I would have been doing if I hadn't made the date in the first place and was off work anyways and I had fun hanging out with a friend and getting introduced to The United States of Tara.

But tomorrow's another day!

How was every one else's weekends?

xoxo

Inhale....exhale...

Here is just a small list of things that are currently throwing fuel into the fire of my grouchiness and stress.

• My brother's-why they can't just listen to me the first time and respond at least the second..I know I'm their sister but when I'm watching them until I go to work, I'm the boss applesauce!
• My mom- I hate that she made this list but I also just had to pay her car insurance with my "rent" money that is supposed to go to househould bills NOT her personals bills!! (Last month I paid her phone bill). Last I checked I don't go to my work to pay for her bills along with my own, I know I  know she's my mom she has paid for my bills for years BUT up until 8 years or so ago I was being raised by my dad and stepmom, not her.
• Work-I'm just gonna leave it at I can't wait to find another job.

However there are some good things that are keeping me slightly sane..thank God!
-Saturday is almost here and that means my date is almost here!
-My giving up Facebook for Lent has been a great idea, there is so much less stress and drama going on. Not that I'm a dramatic person or anything because I personally dislike drama and anyone that enjoys starting it. Like the world isn't crazy enough?

Sorry I had to get that out, it felt good to get it all off my chest. Better things to come soon because I'm better than this. Self-pity is not how I roll!

I love you all!



I need to start doing my yoga soon.

#prayforjapan

The Bachelor is a total skeeze

**this is my first viewing of this season and it's the end. Perfect timing!**

Ohhhh The Bachelor how I loathe thee. Shall I list the ways?


One guy, 24 girls to start and then he gives a single fucking rose to the ones he wants to stay.

While he mulls over which girl he wants to have sex with more than once he bangs every one else that looks like a Barbie. (Talk about STD's) The show is like Big Love but WORSE ON SOO MANY LEVELS, but Bill Paxton is a fucking fox.
This season especially sucks, Brad  (who is clingy as hell) effed things up the first time so naturally he took to it again in hopes of finding his perfect one. Because that's what American dating has come to. If it's not found via the internet, or a bar, or through friends it's on a reality TV show that should have been cancelled a LONG time ago. God dammit my fellow American's why can't we make TV like it used to be but with our new technologies integrated in somehow? 3D should only be used in the theatres and if a movie must have the 3D effect than the DVD should come with a handful of paper glasses. It's much cheaper then what companies do now..

Not gonna lie I'm a bit of a reality TV show junkie, I watch The Real World at least every other season, I'm a sucker for Teen Mom and I love My Life as Liz (if you can call it a reality tv show). Back in the day I watched as a bunch of  regular people were thrown on an island and forced to figure out who would be the real Survivor, but these days Reality TV and some normal shows are slowly circling the drain.

now for the "After the  final rose" ceremony..

He picks the girl that looks like a beautiful Barbie doll but has a a kid, so that takes care of that for him and the girl that looks like Katy Perry got dumped. They both deserve happiness and I'm about as happy for them as I care to be for about the minute that I actually care about this show.

I'm really not this cynical about love, just about finding actual lasting love on a reality TV show for the world to see. At least if it's through a website your competition is faceless and you're free to talk to more than one person if you want. It's kind of a good thing, scary at times but if you get the right site (if there is one) than your doing pretty good.

I do understand that shows like The Bachelor are great escapes for the trials and tribulations for daily life and they make us feel inspired and believe that love is really out there...somewhere.

I'm so contradictory tonight! Fucking a.

What are your thoughts on finding love through a TV show?

xoxo

I'm one anxious bitch.

[Warning: this may not make complete sense, as I am half awake while writing. Please bear with me I'll be back to normal...soon..I hope.]

My tolerance levels for just about anything have reached maximum capacity today. Well they have been building up for awhile now but today the top is about to burst! I'm falling apart at the seams, the intricately sewn seams that hold me together are puckering every where. Emotionally, physically, mentally I'm expecting a meltdown any day now.

If you haven't figured this out already I'm a bit sensitive to most things others are not, I can also read other's feelings whether they are expressing them or not. Then I carry their problems as if their my own.-the woes of being empathetic. 

As if my sleeping habits didn't suck enough already Daylight Savings Time started this week and my body still isn't use to it. I swear if you took away my laptop and phone for 3 days and  I was given a dark room with a massive bed with a mountain of pillows and an amazing comforter I would love you forever. Someone should get on this.

In light of recent events my brain is all in a tizzy, I can't help the people of Japan or Libya by doing much else besides praying until I'm blue in the face, and even that doesn't seem to be enough for me. If I had enough money to support myself, my family and even some to spare to help others I wouldn't even think twice to do so. The images and news coverage on both stories is so devastating and heartbreaking that every time a new story breaks it only adds to my mounting anxiety.

Other than a possible cavity and not knowing how my most recent blood test came out my life is really nothing to complain about compared to others. I just wish that  I had a bit of a turn around, more good days in exchange for less shitty days. But the bad one's make the good ones that much better I suppose. I think I really need to work on how much I complain. To aid with my stress I bought two bags of York Peppermint Patties last night because their about the only thing that keep me saner without resorting to drugs or alcohol. My dentist is totally gonna hate me whenever I get in to see him.

What is stressing you right now and what do you do to ease the stress??

xoxo

P.S Happy Pi Day! Let's all go eat some pie now, or cake. Cake is great too!

Lent

It's been a while since I have participated in Lent and being a Christian I thought maybe I should this year. So I gave up Facebook and I've had a few temptations to get back on it and check some things but my self control for most things is pretty great.

I would give up the Internet all together but let's not get too crazy here I am a blogger the Internet is almost a second home. I also committed to a Blog (almost) Every Day in March and I'm not planning on going back on that one.

What are you giving up if anything for Lent?

xo

The Real World

"This is the true story... of eight strangers... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real...The Real World."

It has started! MTV the masters of television have brought back one of their most addicting shows and after one episode I am throughly seduced by the cast and I want MORE! Way to go MTV for getting me to tune in one more night of the week to watch your ridiculously addicting shows,sigh. 


But as far as my experiences in my real world? Well as always a roller coaster of major highs and not so low lows. My actual doctor's appointment (that I accidentally went to last month) is next Monday and I'm thinking good thoughts, the rest of that week will be full of work and I'm sure lots of other unforeseen fun things. But I think I may be most excited for Saturday. I'm going to end on that note because suspense is awesome. In most cases. 


I'll write more soon, but I may be posting more next week..we'll see. 


stay tuned. 


xoxo

Having A Coke With You

Having A Coke With You

is even more fun than going top San Sebastain, Irun, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluoresent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasently definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the "Polish Rider" occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the "Nude Descending a Staircase" or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michaelangleo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Frank O'Hara

This is beautiful, how can anyone not want this? I saw Beastly tonight with my brother and it was great,  and totally changed my tune on my past slightly negative behavior about relationships and love and everything else. I know that love is quite a ways away for me but I'm a fruit that has to be climbed and reached for so my juice is worth the squeeze. Not to sound vain or anything...

xoxo 

Just a little bit about me.

I came to a realization the other day dear readers, you guys don't know that much about me. Well unless you have been following me for the past year than you might know a thing or two but other than that I have left you pretty much in the dark about me.  Consider this your flashlight. Enjoy!

• My favorite colors are green and purple
• I'm addicted to Twitter. 
• I have a really big family that I don't always have the time or money to see, but I try to when I can.
• I have moved out and back in to my mom's house more times than I care to count. 
• I have been pronounced dead 3 times in my life, I'll explain more soon.
• I have had 5 open heart surgeries, a stroke, a broken back and Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer, all of which I have bounced back from with flying colors.
• I'm a pessimist wrapped in  a thick mesh layer of optimism. 
• I believe that true love is out there for everyone, whether it's with one or more people throughout their lives.
• I've only been "in love" twice. 
• I have lived in sin.
• I try to make friends and stay friends with everyone.
• I believe in karma.
• I own more books and movies than I should for living in a two bedroom apartment with my mom and brothers.
• Of all the men in my life past, present and future my dad will always be my Number 1.
• I have champagne taste, but I only make beer wages. Yet I have yet to try champagne or beer, so that's a goal.
• I want to travel the world and see all of the ocean's to cure me of my land locked blues.
• My goals/aspirations/dreams are bigger than this town.
• I have a good memory, on most days. 
• I pull my fingernails off because every time I see my mom's pinky fingernail I feel the urge to vomit. Know what I mean by this?
• My car's name is Betsey Johnson , yes after the designer. 
• I want friend's like Ted Mosby has on How I Met Your Mother, relationships too.
• My mom is one of my hero's.  
• I know a lot of useless information about pop culture.
• I collect soundtracks.
• I'm neither a "cat person" or a "dog person" either animal is fine with me as long as they cuddle with me on cold nights.

Okay I think that is more than enough random facts about me, myself and I. If you guys want to know more that I missed on here or want elaborations feel free to ask, I WILL answer. 

Also, if you have any ideas for what any of my next posts for the month should be, lemme know. 

xoxo

I'm addicted to words.

I love words, I love writing them, collecting them and depending on the situation saying them (lol). But when it comes to quotes and damn good ones I lose my shit over those little nuggets of awesome. So here are quite a few from my Favorite's list from Twitter, both from other people and @iheartquotes:

Many of life's failure are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ~Thomas Edison


Too many people go through life running from something that isnt after them. ~ Unknown 


If you haven't cried, your eyes can't be beautiful. ~Sophia Loren


The past can hurt but the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it. ~Rafiki (The Lion King)


Man may have discovered fire. But women discovered how to play with it ~ Samantha Jones


  I just think happiness is what makes you pretty ... Happy people are beautiful ~ Drew Barrymore


 If you judge people, you have no time to love them ~ Mother Teresa 


Politeness of the mind is to have delicate thoughts ~ François de la Rochefoucauld 


Don't hide your heart, but reveal it so that I might know mine too, and learn what I am capable of ~ Rumi


One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well ~ Virginia Woolf


 A  pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."-Winston Churchill 


I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing ~ Anais Ni


You cannot find peace by avoiding life ~ Virginia Woolf 


When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.- Mae West


Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower ~ Hans Christian Anderse


 It matters not that someone is born, but what they grow to be. ~ J.K. Rowling


Love me when I least deserve it, because it will be when I need it most. ~ Dr. Jeckyll


The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places. ~ Ernest Hemingway 


ou can't talk peace and have a gun. ~Francis Magalona


To settle is often times to be 'comfortably miserable'. Never settle. ~Jon Harris


I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." — Bill Cosby


Nobody looks good in their darkest hours. But it’s those hours that make us what we are ~ Karen Marie Monin


"I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong" - Into the Wild


It's better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you're not ~ Kurt Cobain 


Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting ~ Peter Pan 


We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them. -Charles C. West


"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth." -Muhammad Ali


It takes backbone to live the life you love" -Revolutionary Road


How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~ Anne Frank


You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ A.A. Milne


For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson 


Okay that is more than enough for today, there WILL be a part deux of this I'm sure, I only have 1,410 (and counting) on my favorites list and more than half of them are amazing quotes. I hope you all enjoyed these and possibly got a little inspiration if anything out of the words of those that have come before us to the lessons in life we must face every day. 


xoxo


In regards to BEDM I'm not going to promise anything but I'm going to try like crazy to write as much as possible.

Happiness found in the simplest of ways is the best kind.

I'm happy to report that today has been an exponentially better day than yesterday was,which is good, nay -GREAT! I slept for about 11 hours last night and then went to a couple stores just to browse and Target of all stores didn't even have what I was looking for, it was so sad. Until I went to Best Buy and found it!

I woke up this morning feeling that crushing pain from last night gone and replaced with something that I can't really describe but it was a better one. The sun and springy air might have helped too.  I finally tracked down the CD and not even two songs in I knew that I was in love. Those Glee kid's tweet's were so right..the cd is full of great lyrics and well just  go listen to it for yourself. Words alone can not describe.

I'm thinking about doing a BEDM (Blog Every Day in March) since I'm already kind of on a roll. I'll try to blog every day this month, at least every chance I get.

I hope you're having a good a day as I am.

What makes you happy?

All we can do is keep breathing.

As of late I have been a little callused and brash towards pretty much the world and just about everyone in it. I really hate that I have been acting this way because it really is NOT the way I normally am. I'm not a goody goody or anything but I'm also not a huge bitch, only when I need to be. I have always had it in the back of my head that I was not going to be like my mom because she can be a little negative (or realistic) about things while I'm more positive and open minded about everything. Hell in several on my last posts I vowed to be a happier, more likeable, better version of me. So why is that so hard!?
Some theories about where this hit of rage may have come from; work, I encounter a lot of customers that I swear are a few tacos short of a sampler plate or are just plain rude when I am doing everything I can to make sure they leave happy. Ugh, I loathe working in food some days. Second, stress overload; between  boys and trying to be "Wonder Woman" and a warrior the strength in me is breaking down like forgotten muscle. I'm regressing into a worrier and just about broke down a few times tonight at work. Pathetic I know. Or it could also be from me not properly mourning my dad's passing which was almost a year ago and just pushing on and not really acknowledging it like a normal person might. I haven't even been to his and my step mom's grave site since they were buried. I'm not saying that my life is unhappy or anything or that I want pity or anything like that, it's actually pretty good but right now the pain in my heart and chest is a crushing one that I felt like sharing for possible insight. Til' next time I will continue to just breathe.




I'm sorry for all the emo/bitchy posts lately guys but thanks for the comments, I appreciate them.

xoxo

What do you do when your not feeling yourself?