An end to the crappy year, hopefully 2010 is a great one!

Tomorrow is new years! This crappy year is finally going to come to an end and hopefully the year 2010 will hopefully bring good things for us all. I am already starting to have some good things happen and I am so excited for the future, for the most part. The rest of it just scares the hell out of me, as it should. But "the past is only the future with the lights on."-Plus 44



Lucky for me I get to bring in the new year with Alex and a much anticipated first kiss is happening as midnight. We are both tickled pink about it :) I have to say this feeling of falling is kind of nice. I haven't felt it in so long that it almost scares me to death but I suppose that's all normal. I'm slowly learning that just going with the flow is better than trying to "control" things especially since you can't cont 95% of the things that go on in your life.



....that's all for now, more tomorrow or so.. :D HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

Ok so I fibbed and didn't update on new years like I had planned, ovbiously because here it is January 11 and I'm just now updating..sorry.

So far the new year is going okay, it has had its moments where life was grand then it also had its totally crappy moments but every day is a new day! I have faith that things will get better and the pieces will fall into place, it just will take time, patience and some effort.This year WILL be a good year!

the New Year and a healthy dose of inspiration.

I have been procrastinating writing for so long, I just haven't found the words. Until now. I have finally found the dose of inspiration that I have been waiting for for weeks now. I finally got a chance to see the movie 'Julie & Julia' and I'm stuck on italics for the moment because I have no idea what I did other then use the shortcut and now it seems to be stuck :(. But I digress, the movie was amazing! Being both somewhat of a writer and a closet foodie I decided that tonight I may as well write about something. Because you my readers deserve at least that much, whoever you are.

I guess it would be nice if I updated everyone on my chemo treatments and all that is going on with my cancer. Well last week I finished officually with chemo (I hope!) and later this week I go for a blood test and will go see my doctor after the new year.

Speaking of the new year I will be entering it with a new lease on life and an amazing person by my side. My excitement for the future is still intact and my hope that 2010 will be one of the best years of my life is very much there. I have finally been able to let most of the past go this year, there are those things that I have been through that I can't erase from my mind or body that will forever haunt me but I will try to ignore that. On a side note, I found the Italics key. So to all of those reading, I'm sorry but I'm not changing everything I have written ^^ to normal where it's supposed to be, it is 3:25am here and as much as I want to appear as professional as I can on this I really don't feel like it at this moment in time. Sorry.

Back to Julie & Julia, Iloved it! I felt inspired to write and finally get all the things that have been on my mind out of my head and onto a place where I know no one will care what is really said. It also inspired me to want to cook, and learn to cook more then the simple things that I already do know. I want to make masterpieces that are so deliciously beautiful that it would simply kill you to put a fork to,but at the same time would also kill you not to eat it!

There isn't too much else that I think I want or need to say tonight, other than I'm happy to be back and hopefully I'll be writing more in the coming days!

P.S My hair is starting to grow back and I think that I'm falling in love with someone very special and that I am ecstatic came into my life when he did. He's so amazing. :D

P.P.S "You can never have enough butter."-Julia Child

XOXO

Anxious and Excited :) and its snowing! :D

Oh my god! Things are getting soo much closer to happening and I can't wait! I can almost taste all the great things that are on the horizon! Tomorrow is my date with Alex and holy crap am I excited! Maybe a little too much? Oh well..I almost think that I should just sleep all day today because I know that I won't get much sleep tonight at all. I get like this when good things are happening, except I think that I get a little more anxious and excited then some people do. Which is fine because I'm the one that suffers the consequences in the end and right now I think the only suffering that I will be enduring is my last week of chemo...waiting for it to end,hoping that the IV stays good and that I can use my arm while it's in.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to publish this now or to gush after the date...I'll publish tomorrow :)

Warning: Reading beyond this point things may not make much sense..the blinders are on as I write and I'm brimming with joy and excitement :)

Sunday- Oh man where to start? Tonight was date night with Alex and to be quite honest at first I thought that I might be getting stood up then my gut spoke up and said otherwise,knowing what it knows I listened. Like any other first date it started off a little awkward and I blabbered on about a bunch of pointless stories just to try and make some conversation and to lighten the mood. We got to the Plaza and headed to my "heaven" and had some fun getting lost in the store and figuring out the sections and just enjoying ourselves. (note to self: Urban Outfitters is an amazing store! Shop there when you can! :)). Next we headed to Westport Coffeehouse and had some AMAZING chai tea and got to know each other more,it was great! :) He's so cool and refreshingly different than anyone else that I have liked and that in itself is reason enough to make me smile,well that and he gives great hugs!

All in all I would have to say that tonight was a great start to the next week that I'm going to have to endure...which I will do with flying colors! Though I kind of am mad at myself for not just grabbing his hand at the Plaza or something..damn and the Beatles comes on just as I start to write this too..crazy! *The Beatles- I Wanna Hold Your Hand*

I have butterflies! :D

Oh! Before I forget (not likely) the first actual snow of the year was the end to our date. Oh my goodness whoever doesn't see the romance of that must not have a pulse, or just a black heart and has never experienced anything great in their lives..poor them..

Alrighty I think that that is enough for now...chemo this week! YAY I'm almost done, I can taste it!

I love Food!

I love food,and Food Network especially since I have been sick I have been thinking up ideas as well getting other ideas from the chefs on Food Network. I don't know if you would call me a "foodie"necessarily but when I make things I like to pay attention to not only the taste and hoping that it tastes good but the creative side in me likes to have a good presentation . I love how they do it on TV so of course I would want mine to look as inviting as theirs is. And I know I know "But your just gonna eat it why put all the effort into it to make it look pretty?" My answer-"Because I can!" I am woman hear me roar! I'm not a twig and I'm not a bigger girl and I have no problem with people that are but I can eat! I enjoy a good steak every now and then and a good salad as well but I also think that walking around a grocery store is fun. I'm a loser/weirdo whatever I don't care.

I hope that I get my dad's cooking talent, because every time I'm at his house and he's cooking (which happens alot) I am right there by his side watching him add the ingredients and making something delicious. My little brother has become quite the little chef as well and I'm a little jealous he gets to see my dad all the time and watch him cook and help him cook and all that jazz,but I love my life here and I'm happy with all of the experiences that I've had, lots of learning experiences.

Tell me something I don't know... :)

I'm bored, and having cabin fever sucks! The only time I've gotten out of the house this week was for a shot,a doctors appointment and that's all. I have to go to the pharmacy to get a refill of nausea meds so that I will survive my last week of chemo (!).

I'm having some mixed feelings about my last week of chemo though. Especially since I found out that I have to have a PICC Line in (an everlasting IV more or less) and I have to have it in for a week or two... :( then after chemo is done with I get to get a week of shots again and then a final dose of one last drug. Then after that I believe that I will be finally done!! That means I can do things again, like uhm kissing, and being all mushy and stuff if I get those chances :D.

I'm so over being bald already I miss my hair and the way that I look with it. My outfits look odd and yeah I'm just over it, being bald for almost three months is enough for me...the good thing is that the guy I am talking to doesn't really care that I'm bald and my hair IS growing back so that's good. Maybe the weekend after I get done with chemo we will go out and celebrate, that would be cool :)

I hope that this week and weekend go by slightly slow..I know that in my last blog I said I wanted the pace to pick up a little but now I'd like it to just slide by like molasses in January. Then the week of chemo and the week after that to go really fast, especially since I really really want to meet the guy that has been keeping a smile on my face for the past 3 days. :D

That's all for now..

XOXO

Lets pick up the pace a little please...

I need some human interaction. By that I mean with people that aren't related to me, or that are related to me that I haven't seen in quite some time that would be nice. But at the moment I think that I have been around my family for way to long.

I miss the days of summer when I was hardly home and was almost always doing something with Tara or someone. Right now its just hospital, doctors office,home. It gets a little mundane after about the second time around. I know that this is all almost over soon and my life will be getting back on track soon but is it too much to ask for just a little quicker pace?? I don't think so. Sigh.

So many good things are in my future and I am very excited for them to happen but I want them now, I want that potential spark, a job that's not complete crap,and my car to actually be reliable and a decent phone so that I can keep in contact with my friends and family, but right now those things aren't happening quite as fast as I'd like...:/

Hell I think I just need to get out of the house,maybe spend a weekend with Tara or something..I'll figure something out. I hope.

Okay time to get onto a better subject...books. I was looking through my little library earlier for something to stick my nose in for a few days and I think I need a handful of books, good ones that I can sink my teeth into and will distract me for awhile. I could use a good distraction :) Too bad my stepdad pretty much hates me and won't give me another good sized giftcard to Barnes and Noble..that'd be nifty.

Okay I think that that's enough of a rant for one day...I'm SO happy I can rant and rave on here!

XOXO

Pray for what you want,work for what you need.-Fortune cookie

It's another late night and I am yet again blogging. :) Granted this is when I do my best writing but I didn't sleep that well while I was at my dads but that's okay. Plus I'm also talking to someone that makes this time something that I'm not really caring about at the moment.

So this weekend I went to my dads house in Kansas and had alot of fun! We did alot of cooking and baking of fudge and cookies and other goodies. I also got some much needed R&R, it was great!

For Thanksgiving we feasted on smoked (fresh from the smoker) turkey,mashed potatoes,green bean casserole,stuffing and cherry and pumpkin pie. Oh man, now I'm drooling. It was that good, probably because my dad is an amazing cook. I hope I have his talents..

I have one more week of chemo left! I'm so damn ready to be over this, I want to get on with my life and work on getting my independence back. I have a set a priorities I just have to hope that everything keeps working out the way it has been lately. I'll go from there.

Good News!! :)

Well for starters today I got my tumor marker results back and the numbers went down from 209 to 17.9 :) I'm so happy! Because that means that I am in fact getting better! Yay!

Also I got the clear from my doctor to go to my dads house for Thanksgiving! I have to get shots all next weekend and part of next week but that's ok I'm gonna have lots of fun and relaxation at my dads house I can tell already. I'm also kind of talking to this guy that I kind of like, he's sweet and nice and we have a lot in common he is really cool. I'm so happy this week is almost over, I have alot going on and I'm super excited for it all.

Finally things seem to be looking up :)

XOXO

A day in the life of a cancer patient

On the days of chemo:

• Wake up and pray that the day goes smoothly
• Take the first dose of nausea medicine for the day and any other meds. Eat and get ready for the day.
• Get to the hospital or where ever treatment is, on Mondays usually blood is drawn and tests are run. Get stuck with an IV and get fluids (if needed) and then the bags of chemo start to roll in, usually lasting all day long.
• Sit,watch tv,sleep,be super bored until your chemo for the day is done.
• Go home, take another dose of anti-nausea medicine, proceed as normally as possible.

The next day: rinse and repeat.

On the days off from chemo:

• Wake up, take meds,eat.
• Go to any necessary appointments with oncologist or doctors, get shots if needed.

Be slightly bored in the same enviroment and almost wish you were at chemo just so you won't be as bored.

Yup, that's kind of how my life is lately, it's not as bad as it seems. It has its days but it's not that bad all together. The good days are prayed for pretty hard and the bad days are only really bad when your in the hospital.

• 
  

Preparing for the future..

I hate the smell of cigarettes. Right now I have a headache and my moms smoking isn't really helping the matter at the moment.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is such a great show. :) I want to get the book and go on a massive road trip and go to a bunch of the places that the awesome Guy Fieri has visited. Just watching him devour the food now is great and I wish I was there. Clearly, my appetite is working well!

Well I'm bored, I thought I actually had something to say here but I guess not. Hopefully something good will come out in the end though. Lately I have been feeling like something is gonna happen, I don't know if it's going to be good or bad or what but I can feel something coming. As always I will hope for the best and expect the worst.
So far today has been a pretty good day, I feel like I accomplished alot. I even had an "grownup moment" or two. Yesterday I gave my ipod a much overdue makeover. Now it no longer has a ton of mopey old Hawthorne Heights sadness on it. Instead there's a lot of Rihanna,Miley Cyrus (guilty pleasure,sue me.) and just anything else that makes me want to get up and dance. It's actually a lot like my friends collection of songs. :)
I was talking to a neighbor today and I realized again, that after I get better that I will literally be starting my life over again. I get to go back to school, find a better job then what I have had before, get a better car (in time),as well as getting my hair back. I have to say that I'm ready and prepared for the future. Well as ready and prepared as I can be at this point.

Random ramblings part deax

It's so weird telling friends and family and even strangers, that I have cancer. I know that there are a lot of people out there that have it too but their old. Not to be mean or anything but some of them don't have a whole lot of time left. I realize that that sounds super insensitive and I totally don't mean to but geez. You try dealing with my life for a day.



I don't really have much to say tonight, I'm just getting whatever leftovers that are on my mind off of it.



So I have two more rounds of chemo left and now more then ever the future is starting to scare me more and more. I know, I know I gotta have faith and hope and all that and I'm pretty sure that I have gone through all 6 stages of grief but this is just turning into uncertainty and I'm scared shitless!

Random ramblings

Well I'd have to say that this years Halloween was so much better than last years was. I wore myself out and slept all of Sunday but it was worth it! All I have to say is thank you Britney Spears for having a breakdown this year, otherwise I wouldn't have had a good halloween costume this year. :)

I have two more weeks well two more months actually more like of chemo, then lots of checkups and tests to make sure I'm clean. I'm hoping to be in remission by the new year and growing my hair by then too. I'm a little tired so if this isn't making sense sorry ahead of time.

Loneliness is getting the best out of me again..I miss being held and it probably doesn't help that I watch Grey's Anatomy reruns all the time lately but hey I have lots of time on my hands why the heck not?! I have forgot so much about what it's liked to be held and loved and touched by someone but my current condition is going to be keeping those feelings at bay for yet some more months. I'm not in a hurry to get into a relationship or anything and I am not the type of girl to be a friends with benefits. I just want what I used to have with the good guys that I managed to find in my life. I just hope that I can find that again once I get better. I know I shouldn't really be focusing on this stuff and should be focusing wholly on getting better but that's what the weeks I'm in chemo are for.

I have a doctors appointment soon for a whole body scan or something and hopefully it comes back clear. I'm going to tell all my friends to put their prayers in double time. I want to go into remission before the new year. The next 20 years of my life cannot be as bad as the first 20 have been. Sigh.

Productivity is a good thing.

Well I'd have to say that today, well this week has been very productive.

• Chemo damn near flew by! 2 weeks down 2 to go!!
• I got a nice new collection of crocheted hats and a wig sort of on loan from chemo.
• I finished New Moon, again.
• I found out the name of the drug that causes my hair loss and it should be back by the spring! :)

My appetite has been pretty well, theres occasional nausea spells usually when I take half a potassium pill but I'm working on that...I hate pills, if I could do everything through an IV I would but then my poor arms would be bruised and nasty. Right now I'm craving some delicious orange chicken,white rice and an eggroll from Panda Express. YUMMMMMMMMM! I should really stop talking about it because I don't know when and if I'll get it.

I'm thinking that this time after my latest round of chemo will go smoother then last, especially now that we know side effects to look for and what not. I'm pretty excited about that. :)

Oh and apparently I'm in inspiration. I have been through alot in my life yes but it's the cards I've been dealt in life and I think that good things will come out of all the crap that I have been through in the past 20 yrs. Despite everything that I have been through I have always found a way to get past it, even if that meant depression for months or getting sick or whatever. Either way I think I've always been positive about things deep down but now I'm actually starting to show more of it.

I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween! GI Jane! Just thought I'd get that random tangent out before I forgot to tell but then again it should have been a dead giveaway I don't have alot to work with at this time but I'm working on it!

Enough for now.

XOXO

When I grow up....

I think that I know what I want to be/do when I get better! My aunt gave me some helpful tips the other night at dinner and my other aunt has just helped me see my potential...now all I need to do is get better! I'm almost done with my second week of chemo, then two weeks off then another round...then I should be almost done.
But back on the subject..when I grow up/get better I want to major in media production. :) I had so much fun behind the camera and in front of the camera and behind the scenes for Phelps Avenue that it might have created a monster in me, hehe. I'm so excited for things that are in my future. I can see myself going so far in it too, it's just a matter of time before I can get back on my feet though and I am praying that that day comes faster and faster everyday.

I'm so excited to have actually found some direction in my life, now I actually feel like after this is all said and done with that I will have a purpose in my life. In a way this having cancer is sort of a blessing...meaning all this free time has allowed me to get my foot in doors that I may not have had the chance to before. At least I hope that's true. As well as the feet in doors having cancer has allowed me to sit back and think about what I want to do in my life and to get my priorities (so to speak) in order. I have realized that after I get better that I have so much plans ahead of me, as vague as some of them are their still there waiting for me dive in deep and attack them with all the gusto I can muster. I'm SO excited to be better..well when I get there completely, but still..the excitement is all the same. :D
If only I could have discovered this passion a long time ago and actually done something worth while in my high school career. But the past is the past and I'm working on not dwelling on that. Especially when there's so much great things to look forward to in the near future.

All for now.

XOXO

Christmas List

I have no idea what to say. Maybe if I sit here with the page open long enough the words will just fall out.

I did it! I edited my ipod to a better selection of music :). So I guess boredom does get you somewhere. I say this as I rock out to Miley Cyrus. I need a new mp3 player with lots of room and a few itunes gift cards!



Christmas List: I know it's early but whatever, better to be late then never.



-Ipod touch

-new digital camera-Canon or NIkon

-Glee 1st season DVD

-Her Fearful Symmetry-Audrey Niffennegger

-Borders/Barnes and Noble gift cards

-Dead Like Me seasons 1 and 2 on dvd (saw em' at Target tonight) xD

-The Ugly Truth

-My Sister's Keeper

-Hannah Montana: The Movie

Weeds Season 4 (or a Target or Wal-mart giftcard so I can get these on my own. :))



That is all for now.

XOXO

Music makes me think some crazy thoughts...

Ok so I know that I'm going to sound like I'm off my rocker when I say this but I think that a man that I have never met, have no clue when and if in this lifetime if I will ever meet him but I think he has more than half of my heart in his hands. I blame John Mayer and Kate Nash for this sudden burst of lunacy but this issue woke me out of half sleep. I needed to get these words out of my head, otherwise I might have gone crazy with the thought of them and how nutty they sounded.
So about the guy: We have known each other for about two years, our relationship has been 99.9% textual. We have "seen" each other a few times on webcameras but never actually met in real life. I hope to one of these days though. We have this bond that I have yet to have with anyone else in this world. We talk almost every day, or we used to then I lost the use of my phone and now I can't talk to him everyday. Sadface. I know that there are little things that he shares with me that make me feel special because I'd like to think that I'm the only one he shares them with though I know I'm not and I have accepted that. But the situation is reveresed for me. I have told him things that I have only told him and maybe one or two other people besides him. I don't know, maybe it's my fascination (I'm weird I know this ) with deaf people and people that are different in general but yet still the same. I don't know but this madness needs to end. I either need to meet him sometime in the near future and see if these feelings are still there or what. Orrrrr I just need to move on. Again.

This madness was brought to you by my ipod and the fact that whenever I listen to it when I'm lonely it plays lovey dovey songs that turn me all emo and shit...ugh...I need some new music selections I think..... =/

The best lasanga in the world andsome boring old football.

Family sitting around watching a football game where the team they are all hopeful for will undoubtedly lose by at least 10 points. A hard working older woman working her tail off in the kitchen making pounds of delicious smelling food and louder then even necessary kids running around the house messing the cleanliness that they walked into. This is my life this week and mainly today. My stomach is groaning at the smells coming from the kitchen. I'm SO ready for this lasagna! My facebook and twitter's status bars are letting the world know that I will be a "Fatty McFat Fat after the lasanga is all said and done with. :)" More family is coming and my laptops battery is dying. Sad face. More later. After the lasanga goodness and the family has cleared out.

Well I ate 3 huge pieces of lasanga that was brilliant! Took a nap, went to the movies with a friend and saw Couples Retreat, which is a great movie, I recommend it! We also watched a movie on my friends ipod in her car until our movie started. hehehehe it was so fun!

Now on a more serious note tonight my friend and I were listening to music in her car and a few songs about LOVE came on and I got to thinking about it and how much I kind of do miss being held and loved and hugged and kissed and all that other lovey dovey things that people that have a significant other do. I know that right now with my current situation that keeping someone around is near impossible but hey it's worth a try at this point. I know that I'm reaching for the stars right now but it's better than reaching for the sun and getting burned.
My second week/round of chemo starts next week. I hope things aren't as bad as they were the last round. I don't want to be sicker then I already am. Thankfully, this time I have a book that I am re-reading that will keep me entertained during chemo. That and my ipod. :)

Well folks I think that is all for tonight, time to choke down a potassium pill and wait a while then go to bed.
Night and best wishes to all!

XOXO

Lack of energy,Bald is beautiful

Ok let's just say it! I've seen better days, my first week of chemo is done and I'm really feeling the effects. Nausea, fatigue, lack of any kind of energy. This sucks too because I have three more week long treatments of this stuff. Sigh. I know I can do it, but today is just one of those days where I wish it would all just end now. Time, that is all that I can really rely on at this point. Well time and faith.

October 23,2009
Its been awhile since I have wrote, turns out I had pneumonia and had to be hospitalized and put into isolation for 3 days. It sucked. Now I'm out and my hair has been starting to fall out like snow so I just told my mom to just cut it-shave it all off. Figured things would be easier that way and so far I was right. I apparently have a perfect head and so I look slightly normal with no hair, which is weird but I'm ok with it. It grows back so that gives me something to look forward to.

Bald is beautiful!

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past and Doctors. Not in that order.

Well I went to the oncologist today (cancer doctor) and gave me some answers to some questions that my mom and I have.

-Can I get a flu shot? Yes but the chemo might make it not work so well since it's chemo it messes with the immune system.

-What stage is it? Stage 3, and there's 4 of them to my type of cancer. :( .

-When does chemo start? My chemo is scheduled to start Oct. 5,2009 at 8:00 am.
Oh yeah, apparently I am not 5'8' like I thought I was I'm 5'7' and have gained all the weight back that I was with the tumor still inside of me. Sigh.

At first when I was filling out my paperwork and everything they needed from me I was doing fine as far as nerves go but as soon as the doctor stepped into the room and started telling me everything that's when the confidence and positive attitude started to slide a little bit. But thankfully one of my best friends was there for moral support which I was really in need of at that point. But one funny thing did happen in the doctors office to try and take some of the fright off. My cancer is pretty much the female equivalant of testicular cancer. We all kind of found that kind of funny hehe. But from what I have heard and believe I can beat it. :D

After the visit to the doctors my friend and her boyfriend and I went to Taco Bell and got some eats,then ran some errands and before I had to go home we stopped by Party America to get ideas for her sisters Halloween party! While we were there and had been looking around for awhile and out of nowhere one of my ex's came up behind me and scared the crap out of me! Low and behold it was my high school sweetheart! In all honesty as soon as I saw him minus the awkward "oh yea so how are you and your girlfriend doing?" moments a lot of memories came rushing into my head. Not to be all mushy and girly or anything but when we hugged and it was awkward a little too but it felt really nice and I didn't really want to let go. It's so bad that I'm missing my ex and really bad that he has a girlfriend to boot. One he has been with for almost two years or so now...sooooooo bad. He was probably one of my only ex-boyfriends that I actually still have actual feelings for still and it has been 2 years since we broke up. I realize now that my reasons for breaking up with him were actual things that could have very easily been talked through and figured out and who knows we still might have been together now. But that's in the past and I can't dwell on it, just remember the memories of the day.

I love my friends!

Today was one of the funnest nights of my life! No joke. I started it off with a nice shower, made myself look cute and all that jazz then my best friend and I went to the Fall Festival after 30 minutes of dinking around town and getting Starbucks (yummm!) I haven't had my chai tea fix in quite some time. I know it's expensive but I had some money to spend and was craving it so I got one. While waiting for my tea and my friend to come out of the bathroom a really cute barista there commented on my shirt. I blushed a little when he did. With drinks in tow we headed towards the Fall Festival ,excitement and caffiene flowing through our veins we reached the Fall Festival and didn't really do a lot there except for look at the boutiques and set up tents with all of their art and crafts and other goodies inside. After all of our fun was spent there we headed to Target.

After the visit to Target we headed back to my house to get ready for the night,she was heading to church and I to a cast party with an ex. After a series of a couple wrong turns on my part we finally got to the right house and started our mingling off rather slowly but within the first hour or so some of my old friends and I started to catch up and have fun. I told them about my recent news and accidentally became "Debbie Downer" but only for about a minute or two. I also signed some papers so that I can finally get my paycheck once I finish my next scene (where I "kill" someone). All in all I would have to say that tonight has been a great day and night. A few awkward moments that were quickly erased by beer and sheer not really caring.

I love my friends! They make everything good.

Knights in shining armor get lost easy.

A week now has passed and the loneliness is more than palpable. It has become an ever gaping hole that has been ripped through my chest. I want to lay in bed all day and eat boxes of Russell Stovers and read the stories of other people that I wish at times were mine. The music that I listen to at times probably doesn't help me much either. Then again, it probably does not help at all that at least 50 percent of my playlist in my music player/s is more of less a "hopeless romantics". Most of the songs are about love, loss and the loss of a great love or one that had potentiol. If it's not those then it is about fighting or is poppy bubblegum dance music for the good moods and random songs acquired through the years.

I want to be loved and find someone that is actual worthy (there have been a few that have come close) of my love and that I can give my whole heart to without after thoughts. I know that he is out there somewhere and that I should just sit back, relax and wait for them but not to be negative or morbid but in my current situation I don't know how much time is left. Not only am I plagued with those thoughts but since I have decided that the next romantic interest that I meet that I'm going to tell them that I'm sick right up front. Because I'm getting pretty good at this whole being direct with complete strangers...I am also worried that as soon as I tell them that I'm sick what are they going to do? Bolt? Stay and accept me or what? In the end who wants to be alone? Even if it's not going to be the end for me I still want someone that will be next to me holding my hand,holding me and letting me know that everything will be okay. My friends and family might just have to do "til that person comes along..

His stupid horse probably just stopped for some food or his damn GPS is broke...either way my patience is wearing thin and hopefully I don't have blinders on when he comes along.

Faith.Brutal honesty,Strangers wisdom.Insomnia.

Alright so I know that in my situation I'm supposed to be strong and be positive through all of this but seeing as its been years since I have stepped foot into a mass I have some issues trusting in and having faith in God. He took my stepmom and I am still waiting on all of my answers from that situation...and other things that I have lost faith in him through the years with. But I just kind of find it hard to believe when all of these negative things keep happening, I just want a break for me and my family.

Now that things have become much more difficult for us all I have started to worry and fret more...being positive is a little hard to do when you feel like your stuck in the middle of an ocean of bills,confusion and stress. I know that some people are saying that God is testing me and my family since I have already been through so much already why not just throw a big one on me that scares the living hell out of me! I don't know how to navigate this very welll because my stroke messed with my head and I am confused enough by the medical jargon and my parents' hands are pretty much tied because I am no longer a minor and the medical system and everyone else think that I should or am prepared for everything that they drop on me but I'm NOT!!!!

I want this all to be over with right here and now! I kmow that it won't be unfortunately but I can wish it..I know that I have a big fight ahead of me and I'm ready, I have the support and prayers of so many and hopefully once I go back to church and feel all the positive energy and just let it soak in and help me win this thing. I'm going to try and get back in touch with the Big Man Upstairs but for me it might take some time to build that back up...

I met a man named Roberto today at my moms garage sale. his words,like many others had such a profound effect on me it made me happy that there are actually great people in this world, I already knew that there were but they were people that I already knew, but this gentleman was truly that.

I cannot wait to feel better emotionally,physically,mentally,and with a little help from my family,friends and others around me I know that I will!

Since I have been out (and bouts of insomnia were in the hospital) of the hospital I have been having some major insomnia, I don't know if it is caused by stress overload,anxiety,boredom or just general not tiredness. But it is not helping. I need plenty of rest to be strong for the months ahead and I'm really starting to hate that my prime writing times are after midnight not earlier, even though during the day the words come to me in bits in pieces but my best time is in the nearly wee hours of the night/morning. On that note I'm going to turn everything off and try to get some sleep.

If I don't let this out now,it may never come out....I'm sorry

The scar seems to be healing nicely, itching and such. But as per usual in my life nothing ever stays good for too long. It has only been a week or two and my boyfriend and I are already hitting a rocky road. I hate this part in a relationship, especially if it is a fresh one. The cuts are always deep and the salt is poured in thicker with each passing day. I have been in this situation before...or something close to it but this time it is not anything easy to navigate. I think that it might just have to come down to two options: split or try and make it work even though we both know in the back of our mind that it wont. Not for too long anyways. I know that he has been there for me through all of this so far and I'm very happy to have had him there to help me through it all.

I understand that he is busy with school,work, friends and family . I'm busy with my own things but lately it doesn't seem as though he wants to see me anymore, as if it's too much of a hassle to drive here and see me. If that is the case I just want some honesty and truth..I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore. I've had too much go on in my life for me to be hurt anymore. Maybe I'm frigid and bitter because of it,if so then so be it. If my car was reliable enough and I could navigate myself up there and back to see him then I would but I don't have those luxuries at the moment. As much as I love his family and he likes mine I think that an end is coming soon. I really don't want to because I really do like him and he has been there for me for so much but the other night we both concluded that the distance betweeen us (literal) is distancing us.

Eelationships with a great spark are NOT supposed to fizzle out before the one month mark! I wonder if I am ever going to find a guy that is going to make it to the one year mark and beyond...I'm young I know but at this point in life my I don't know what to do except for take life and drink it up! Living life to the fullest is what I feel I need to do at this point.

I'm almost hesitant to post this but this is MY blog to post whatever I want and these words might not come back to my mind so I guess it was better to get this off of my chest now then never.

Letting a lot out...

So in order to take my mind off things (cancer and the fun that that will have in store for me :/ ) I have decided to pre-occupy my mind with other things that might possibly bring more happiness and positive energy my way. Those things are as listed.

Jeremy- Is there anything that can't be said about this knight in shining (silk) armor? He has been there for me since day 1 and we hadn't really known each other that long, which is a GREAT thing! A very rare and great thing. When I'm with him I feel as if nothing is wrong with me...the pain disappears for awhile and the fear of the future subsides. I feel very lucky and blessed to have him in my life at this point in time. As much as I would have prefered our second week of being together one of me not being drugged out in a hospital bed but he was there,holding my hand and supporting me with many others and that I have never really known or felt.

Family and Friends- Where to start? Family. They are always there for you no matter what,the good the bad, the ugly they are always going to be there for you and as sad as it is sometimes it takes a disaster to bring them all closer but the closeness of family is something that I think we all want and need from our loved ones. Of course theres always friends-the people in your lives that didn't make it into your blood line because God saw them better fit as your cheerleaders and rocks and anything else you needed them for. My friends, past and present have always had a way of straying off for a bit then returning back one day and visa versa and yet the day we returned to each other the conversations seemed as though they had never ended and a day had never passed. For that I love my friends more and more every day and would do anything for them no matter what.

Music- An art form that expresses the emotions that we can't find the words for ourselves. It's always there,always has been and always will be there for us all. Good times or bad it has helped this world and its people get through the worst times and make the best times even better. I'm embracing my love for it and keeping myself surrounded with any kind I can get my hands on...except for the genres that I'm not particularly fond of. No matter,but since the invention of the Ipod I will be keeping mine fully charged at all times! I need any and everything positive and endorphine inducing that I can get. (As I write this sentence one of my favorite songs shuffles on-Ain't Nothing Wrong With That-Robert Randolph and the Family Band). If I could get up and dance my ass off right now I would but as soon as my staples are out I will be rocking out and dancing around my room like an idiot as much as possible! :)

Glee!- I know that it is just a silly TV show but after the first episode I don't want to stop believing....especially in the fact that I will fight this and won't let it get me down, not without a fight!

Cancer.This word scares me.

Well so much for a clean slate, it appears this "clean slate" I had hoped for is covered in some muck.
On September 2,2009 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am now using this blog as a chronicle/memoir of everything that I am about to go through. As daunting as the next few months are going to be I know that I am going to make it through it all, especially with the love and support of everyone around me.

I'm back!

I forgot my old password to my old blogspot so now I have this new one and I feel almost whole again! :) I'm hoping to remember to write more and to not bore everyone or anyone that reads this blog...