Ghosts of Boyfriends Past and Doctors. Not in that order.

Well I went to the oncologist today (cancer doctor) and gave me some answers to some questions that my mom and I have.

-Can I get a flu shot? Yes but the chemo might make it not work so well since it's chemo it messes with the immune system.

-What stage is it? Stage 3, and there's 4 of them to my type of cancer. :( .

-When does chemo start? My chemo is scheduled to start Oct. 5,2009 at 8:00 am.
Oh yeah, apparently I am not 5'8' like I thought I was I'm 5'7' and have gained all the weight back that I was with the tumor still inside of me. Sigh.

At first when I was filling out my paperwork and everything they needed from me I was doing fine as far as nerves go but as soon as the doctor stepped into the room and started telling me everything that's when the confidence and positive attitude started to slide a little bit. But thankfully one of my best friends was there for moral support which I was really in need of at that point. But one funny thing did happen in the doctors office to try and take some of the fright off. My cancer is pretty much the female equivalant of testicular cancer. We all kind of found that kind of funny hehe. But from what I have heard and believe I can beat it. :D

After the visit to the doctors my friend and her boyfriend and I went to Taco Bell and got some eats,then ran some errands and before I had to go home we stopped by Party America to get ideas for her sisters Halloween party! While we were there and had been looking around for awhile and out of nowhere one of my ex's came up behind me and scared the crap out of me! Low and behold it was my high school sweetheart! In all honesty as soon as I saw him minus the awkward "oh yea so how are you and your girlfriend doing?" moments a lot of memories came rushing into my head. Not to be all mushy and girly or anything but when we hugged and it was awkward a little too but it felt really nice and I didn't really want to let go. It's so bad that I'm missing my ex and really bad that he has a girlfriend to boot. One he has been with for almost two years or so now...sooooooo bad. He was probably one of my only ex-boyfriends that I actually still have actual feelings for still and it has been 2 years since we broke up. I realize now that my reasons for breaking up with him were actual things that could have very easily been talked through and figured out and who knows we still might have been together now. But that's in the past and I can't dwell on it, just remember the memories of the day.

I love my friends!

Today was one of the funnest nights of my life! No joke. I started it off with a nice shower, made myself look cute and all that jazz then my best friend and I went to the Fall Festival after 30 minutes of dinking around town and getting Starbucks (yummm!) I haven't had my chai tea fix in quite some time. I know it's expensive but I had some money to spend and was craving it so I got one. While waiting for my tea and my friend to come out of the bathroom a really cute barista there commented on my shirt. I blushed a little when he did. With drinks in tow we headed towards the Fall Festival ,excitement and caffiene flowing through our veins we reached the Fall Festival and didn't really do a lot there except for look at the boutiques and set up tents with all of their art and crafts and other goodies inside. After all of our fun was spent there we headed to Target.

After the visit to Target we headed back to my house to get ready for the night,she was heading to church and I to a cast party with an ex. After a series of a couple wrong turns on my part we finally got to the right house and started our mingling off rather slowly but within the first hour or so some of my old friends and I started to catch up and have fun. I told them about my recent news and accidentally became "Debbie Downer" but only for about a minute or two. I also signed some papers so that I can finally get my paycheck once I finish my next scene (where I "kill" someone). All in all I would have to say that tonight has been a great day and night. A few awkward moments that were quickly erased by beer and sheer not really caring.

I love my friends! They make everything good.

Knights in shining armor get lost easy.

A week now has passed and the loneliness is more than palpable. It has become an ever gaping hole that has been ripped through my chest. I want to lay in bed all day and eat boxes of Russell Stovers and read the stories of other people that I wish at times were mine. The music that I listen to at times probably doesn't help me much either. Then again, it probably does not help at all that at least 50 percent of my playlist in my music player/s is more of less a "hopeless romantics". Most of the songs are about love, loss and the loss of a great love or one that had potentiol. If it's not those then it is about fighting or is poppy bubblegum dance music for the good moods and random songs acquired through the years.

I want to be loved and find someone that is actual worthy (there have been a few that have come close) of my love and that I can give my whole heart to without after thoughts. I know that he is out there somewhere and that I should just sit back, relax and wait for them but not to be negative or morbid but in my current situation I don't know how much time is left. Not only am I plagued with those thoughts but since I have decided that the next romantic interest that I meet that I'm going to tell them that I'm sick right up front. Because I'm getting pretty good at this whole being direct with complete strangers...I am also worried that as soon as I tell them that I'm sick what are they going to do? Bolt? Stay and accept me or what? In the end who wants to be alone? Even if it's not going to be the end for me I still want someone that will be next to me holding my hand,holding me and letting me know that everything will be okay. My friends and family might just have to do "til that person comes along..

His stupid horse probably just stopped for some food or his damn GPS is broke...either way my patience is wearing thin and hopefully I don't have blinders on when he comes along.

Faith.Brutal honesty,Strangers wisdom.Insomnia.

Alright so I know that in my situation I'm supposed to be strong and be positive through all of this but seeing as its been years since I have stepped foot into a mass I have some issues trusting in and having faith in God. He took my stepmom and I am still waiting on all of my answers from that situation...and other things that I have lost faith in him through the years with. But I just kind of find it hard to believe when all of these negative things keep happening, I just want a break for me and my family.

Now that things have become much more difficult for us all I have started to worry and fret more...being positive is a little hard to do when you feel like your stuck in the middle of an ocean of bills,confusion and stress. I know that some people are saying that God is testing me and my family since I have already been through so much already why not just throw a big one on me that scares the living hell out of me! I don't know how to navigate this very welll because my stroke messed with my head and I am confused enough by the medical jargon and my parents' hands are pretty much tied because I am no longer a minor and the medical system and everyone else think that I should or am prepared for everything that they drop on me but I'm NOT!!!!

I want this all to be over with right here and now! I kmow that it won't be unfortunately but I can wish it..I know that I have a big fight ahead of me and I'm ready, I have the support and prayers of so many and hopefully once I go back to church and feel all the positive energy and just let it soak in and help me win this thing. I'm going to try and get back in touch with the Big Man Upstairs but for me it might take some time to build that back up...

I met a man named Roberto today at my moms garage sale. his words,like many others had such a profound effect on me it made me happy that there are actually great people in this world, I already knew that there were but they were people that I already knew, but this gentleman was truly that.

I cannot wait to feel better emotionally,physically,mentally,and with a little help from my family,friends and others around me I know that I will!

Since I have been out (and bouts of insomnia were in the hospital) of the hospital I have been having some major insomnia, I don't know if it is caused by stress overload,anxiety,boredom or just general not tiredness. But it is not helping. I need plenty of rest to be strong for the months ahead and I'm really starting to hate that my prime writing times are after midnight not earlier, even though during the day the words come to me in bits in pieces but my best time is in the nearly wee hours of the night/morning. On that note I'm going to turn everything off and try to get some sleep.

If I don't let this out now,it may never come out....I'm sorry

The scar seems to be healing nicely, itching and such. But as per usual in my life nothing ever stays good for too long. It has only been a week or two and my boyfriend and I are already hitting a rocky road. I hate this part in a relationship, especially if it is a fresh one. The cuts are always deep and the salt is poured in thicker with each passing day. I have been in this situation before...or something close to it but this time it is not anything easy to navigate. I think that it might just have to come down to two options: split or try and make it work even though we both know in the back of our mind that it wont. Not for too long anyways. I know that he has been there for me through all of this so far and I'm very happy to have had him there to help me through it all.

I understand that he is busy with school,work, friends and family . I'm busy with my own things but lately it doesn't seem as though he wants to see me anymore, as if it's too much of a hassle to drive here and see me. If that is the case I just want some honesty and truth..I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore. I've had too much go on in my life for me to be hurt anymore. Maybe I'm frigid and bitter because of it,if so then so be it. If my car was reliable enough and I could navigate myself up there and back to see him then I would but I don't have those luxuries at the moment. As much as I love his family and he likes mine I think that an end is coming soon. I really don't want to because I really do like him and he has been there for me for so much but the other night we both concluded that the distance betweeen us (literal) is distancing us.

Eelationships with a great spark are NOT supposed to fizzle out before the one month mark! I wonder if I am ever going to find a guy that is going to make it to the one year mark and beyond...I'm young I know but at this point in life my I don't know what to do except for take life and drink it up! Living life to the fullest is what I feel I need to do at this point.

I'm almost hesitant to post this but this is MY blog to post whatever I want and these words might not come back to my mind so I guess it was better to get this off of my chest now then never.

Letting a lot out...

So in order to take my mind off things (cancer and the fun that that will have in store for me :/ ) I have decided to pre-occupy my mind with other things that might possibly bring more happiness and positive energy my way. Those things are as listed.

Jeremy- Is there anything that can't be said about this knight in shining (silk) armor? He has been there for me since day 1 and we hadn't really known each other that long, which is a GREAT thing! A very rare and great thing. When I'm with him I feel as if nothing is wrong with me...the pain disappears for awhile and the fear of the future subsides. I feel very lucky and blessed to have him in my life at this point in time. As much as I would have prefered our second week of being together one of me not being drugged out in a hospital bed but he was there,holding my hand and supporting me with many others and that I have never really known or felt.

Family and Friends- Where to start? Family. They are always there for you no matter what,the good the bad, the ugly they are always going to be there for you and as sad as it is sometimes it takes a disaster to bring them all closer but the closeness of family is something that I think we all want and need from our loved ones. Of course theres always friends-the people in your lives that didn't make it into your blood line because God saw them better fit as your cheerleaders and rocks and anything else you needed them for. My friends, past and present have always had a way of straying off for a bit then returning back one day and visa versa and yet the day we returned to each other the conversations seemed as though they had never ended and a day had never passed. For that I love my friends more and more every day and would do anything for them no matter what.

Music- An art form that expresses the emotions that we can't find the words for ourselves. It's always there,always has been and always will be there for us all. Good times or bad it has helped this world and its people get through the worst times and make the best times even better. I'm embracing my love for it and keeping myself surrounded with any kind I can get my hands on...except for the genres that I'm not particularly fond of. No matter,but since the invention of the Ipod I will be keeping mine fully charged at all times! I need any and everything positive and endorphine inducing that I can get. (As I write this sentence one of my favorite songs shuffles on-Ain't Nothing Wrong With That-Robert Randolph and the Family Band). If I could get up and dance my ass off right now I would but as soon as my staples are out I will be rocking out and dancing around my room like an idiot as much as possible! :)

Glee!- I know that it is just a silly TV show but after the first episode I don't want to stop believing....especially in the fact that I will fight this and won't let it get me down, not without a fight!

Cancer.This word scares me.

Well so much for a clean slate, it appears this "clean slate" I had hoped for is covered in some muck.
On September 2,2009 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am now using this blog as a chronicle/memoir of everything that I am about to go through. As daunting as the next few months are going to be I know that I am going to make it through it all, especially with the love and support of everyone around me.