Thursday, May 6, 2010

I hate when I get like this.

I have just sent a few text messages and IM's out to a few friends of mine that are more of less complaining of one thing. Loneliness and my overwhelming amount of it right now, I'm not sure why it has chosen to hit me at 12am when I am supposed to be deep in a REM sleep. But loneliness is just one of the many things on my list of "things that keep me awake at night" and right now I really hate myself for feeling it so heavily. I don't know if it was brought on by the characters in the book I just finished or the fact that it's about to start storming at any given moment or the fact that my cat went MIA this afternoon and hasn't come back yet or what. Whatever it is, I need to figure out a way to stop this increasing insomnia.

I feel like a shitty excuse for a daughter and sister to my dad and brother because I haven't called to check in on them in about two weeks,and I haven't been out to see them in almost six months and my dad is barely hanging in there I'm sure. I hate that I'm here and he is there fighting for his life and I can't even find a ride out there to see him because I'm too busy helping my mom out with things that are more of her responsibility then mine. What if I had never left his house back when my stepmom killed herself and I had stayed with the man that practically raised me into the woman I am today. Would my mom and former stepdad still be married? Would I have even had cancer? Would I be finishing up my schooling and getting ready to dive headfirst into a career? Or would I still be as I am now,jobless, more or less carless and a nanny/maid for my mom and brothers?

Nevermind the fact that yes, I am a little jealous of a few of my friends for moving forward in their lives while I just am stuck like a bump on a log and don't appear to be going anywhere in much of a hurry. I'm sorry if this seems like I'm throwing myself a pity party here but I'm not. Pity partiers don't break down in tears halfway through a blog post. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for my friends and I support them (I really do) but I just wish that I was moving forward right along with them. Another thing that sucks is that my best friend and I seem to be getting some distance between us and we used to be likethis and she's one of my "persons" and well it just sucks not having her around as much to talk to, especially when she doesn't do something as simple as text back. I know she's busy and has a life but I just miss our closeness and almost sister like presence. But as everyone and their mother keeps telling me, "Good things come to those who wait". Well how much longer do I have to wait?

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so lonely and wanting someones arms around me when I'm surrounded by people that love and support me every day, I have been through A LOT of hardship in my life and have beaten through it with flying colors. One of the things that my mom has taught me and has pressed on my for quite some time now is that you don't need a man around when you can do the same things that they can do and provide for yourself. While that may be true since I have seen her do it on her own for so long and I have been more or less doing the same (at least trying to). It gets old and stale and you eventually forget how to love another person like that and 20 years down the road you start collecting cats. Right now I am just craving someones arms to be wrapped in and the warmth of another body by my side protecting me for just a little while and not passing judgement on me or anything like that.

Okay I think that now that the tears have mostly dried and slight fatigue is starting to set in that it is time to once again try to fall asleep.

Oh, and the book that inspired this loneliness is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. You should check it out.

Night all and thank you for reading my rant and congrats to making it to the end!