Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Lucky for me I get to bring in the new year with Alex and a much anticipated first kiss is happening as midnight. We are both tickled pink about it :) I have to say this feeling of falling is kind of nice. I haven't felt it in so long that it almost scares me to death but I suppose that's all normal. I'm slowly learning that just going with the flow is better than trying to "control" things especially since you can't cont 95% of the things that go on in your life.
....that's all for now, more tomorrow or so.. :D HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!
Ok so I fibbed and didn't update on new years like I had planned, ovbiously because here it is January 11 and I'm just now updating..sorry.
So far the new year is going okay, it has had its moments where life was grand then it also had its totally crappy moments but every day is a new day! I have faith that things will get better and the pieces will fall into place, it just will take time, patience and some effort.This year WILL be a good year!
Monday, December 28, 2009
I guess it would be nice if I updated everyone on my chemo treatments and all that is going on with my cancer. Well last week I finished officually with chemo (I hope!) and later this week I go for a blood test and will go see my doctor after the new year.
Speaking of the new year I will be entering it with a new lease on life and an amazing person by my side. My excitement for the future is still intact and my hope that 2010 will be one of the best years of my life is very much there. I have finally been able to let most of the past go this year, there are those things that I have been through that I can't erase from my mind or body that will forever haunt me but I will try to ignore that. On a side note, I found the Italics key. So to all of those reading, I'm sorry but I'm not changing everything I have written ^^ to normal where it's supposed to be, it is 3:25am here and as much as I want to appear as professional as I can on this I really don't feel like it at this moment in time. Sorry.
Back to Julie & Julia, Iloved it! I felt inspired to write and finally get all the things that have been on my mind out of my head and onto a place where I know no one will care what is really said. It also inspired me to want to cook, and learn to cook more then the simple things that I already do know. I want to make masterpieces that are so deliciously beautiful that it would simply kill you to put a fork to,but at the same time would also kill you not to eat it!
There isn't too much else that I think I want or need to say tonight, other than I'm happy to be back and hopefully I'll be writing more in the coming days!
P.S My hair is starting to grow back and I think that I'm falling in love with someone very special and that I am ecstatic came into my life when he did. He's so amazing. :D
P.P.S "You can never have enough butter."-Julia Child
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
- Wake up and pray that the day goes smoothly
- Take the first dose of nausea medicine for the day and any other meds. Eat and get ready for the day.
- Get to the hospital or where ever treatment is, on Mondays usually blood is drawn and tests are run. Get stuck with an IV and get fluids (if needed) and then the bags of chemo start to roll in, usually lasting all day long.
- Sit,watch tv,sleep,be super bored until your chemo for the day is done.
- Go home, take another dose of anti-nausea medicine, proceed as normally as possible.
- Wake up, take meds,eat.
- Go to any necessary appointments with oncologist or doctors, get shots if needed.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is such a great show. :) I want to get the book and go on a massive road trip and go to a bunch of the places that the awesome Guy Fieri has visited. Just watching him devour the food now is great and I wish I was there. Clearly, my appetite is working well!
Well I'm bored, I thought I actually had something to say here but I guess not. Hopefully something good will come out in the end though. Lately I have been feeling like something is gonna happen, I don't know if it's going to be good or bad or what but I can feel something coming. As always I will hope for the best and expect the worst.
So far today has been a pretty good day, I feel like I accomplished alot. I even had an "grownup moment" or two. Yesterday I gave my ipod a much overdue makeover. Now it no longer has a ton of mopey old Hawthorne Heights sadness on it. Instead there's a lot of Rihanna,Miley Cyrus (guilty pleasure,sue me.) and just anything else that makes me want to get up and dance. It's actually a lot like my friends collection of songs. :)
I was talking to a neighbor today and I realized again, that after I get better that I will literally be starting my life over again. I get to go back to school, find a better job then what I have had before, get a better car (in time),as well as getting my hair back. I have to say that I'm ready and prepared for the future. Well as ready and prepared as I can be at this point.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I don't really have much to say tonight, I'm just getting whatever leftovers that are on my mind off of it.
So I have two more rounds of chemo left and now more then ever the future is starting to scare me more and more. I know, I know I gotta have faith and hope and all that and I'm pretty sure that I have gone through all 6 stages of grief but this is just turning into uncertainty and I'm scared shitless!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I have two more weeks well two more months actually more like of chemo, then lots of checkups and tests to make sure I'm clean. I'm hoping to be in remission by the new year and growing my hair by then too. I'm a little tired so if this isn't making sense sorry ahead of time.
Loneliness is getting the best out of me again..I miss being held and it probably doesn't help that I watch Grey's Anatomy reruns all the time lately but hey I have lots of time on my hands why the heck not?! I have forgot so much about what it's liked to be held and loved and touched by someone but my current condition is going to be keeping those feelings at bay for yet some more months. I'm not in a hurry to get into a relationship or anything and I am not the type of girl to be a friends with benefits. I just want what I used to have with the good guys that I managed to find in my life. I just hope that I can find that again once I get better. I know I shouldn't really be focusing on this stuff and should be focusing wholly on getting better but that's what the weeks I'm in chemo are for.
I have a doctors appointment soon for a whole body scan or something and hopefully it comes back clear. I'm going to tell all my friends to put their prayers in double time. I want to go into remission before the new year. The next 20 years of my life cannot be as bad as the first 20 have been. Sigh.
Friday, October 30, 2009
- Chemo damn near flew by! 2 weeks down 2 to go!!
- I got a nice new collection of crocheted hats and a wig sort of on loan from chemo.
- I finished New Moon, again.
- I found out the name of the drug that causes my hair loss and it should be back by the spring! :)
My appetite has been pretty well, theres occasional nausea spells usually when I take half a potassium pill but I'm working on that...I hate pills, if I could do everything through an IV I would but then my poor arms would be bruised and nasty. Right now I'm craving some delicious orange chicken,white rice and an eggroll from Panda Express. YUMMMMMMMMM! I should really stop talking about it because I don't know when and if I'll get it.
I'm thinking that this time after my latest round of chemo will go smoother then last, especially now that we know side effects to look for and what not. I'm pretty excited about that. :)
Oh and apparently I'm in inspiration. I have been through alot in my life yes but it's the cards I've been dealt in life and I think that good things will come out of all the crap that I have been through in the past 20 yrs. Despite everything that I have been through I have always found a way to get past it, even if that meant depression for months or getting sick or whatever. Either way I think I've always been positive about things deep down but now I'm actually starting to show more of it.
I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween! GI Jane! Just thought I'd get that random tangent out before I forgot to tell but then again it should have been a dead giveaway I don't have alot to work with at this time but I'm working on it!
Enough for now.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
But back on the subject..when I grow up/get better I want to major in media production. :) I had so much fun behind the camera and in front of the camera and behind the scenes for Phelps Avenue that it might have created a monster in me, hehe. I'm so excited for things that are in my future. I can see myself going so far in it too, it's just a matter of time before I can get back on my feet though and I am praying that that day comes faster and faster everyday.
I'm so excited to have actually found some direction in my life, now I actually feel like after this is all said and done with that I will have a purpose in my life. In a way this having cancer is sort of a blessing...meaning all this free time has allowed me to get my foot in doors that I may not have had the chance to before. At least I hope that's true. As well as the feet in doors having cancer has allowed me to sit back and think about what I want to do in my life and to get my priorities (so to speak) in order. I have realized that after I get better that I have so much plans ahead of me, as vague as some of them are their still there waiting for me dive in deep and attack them with all the gusto I can muster. I'm SO excited to be better..well when I get there completely, but still..the excitement is all the same. :D
If only I could have discovered this passion a long time ago and actually done something worth while in my high school career. But the past is the past and I'm working on not dwelling on that. Especially when there's so much great things to look forward to in the near future.
All for now.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I did it! I edited my ipod to a better selection of music :). So I guess boredom does get you somewhere. I say this as I rock out to Miley Cyrus. I need a new mp3 player with lots of room and a few itunes gift cards!
Christmas List: I know it's early but whatever, better to be late then never.
-new digital camera-Canon or NIkon
-Glee 1st season DVD
-Her Fearful Symmetry-Audrey Niffennegger
-Borders/Barnes and Noble gift cards
-Dead Like Me seasons 1 and 2 on dvd (saw em' at Target tonight) xD
-The Ugly Truth
-My Sister's Keeper
-Hannah Montana: The Movie
Weeds Season 4 (or a Target or Wal-mart giftcard so I can get these on my own. :))
That is all for now.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
So about the guy: We have known each other for about two years, our relationship has been 99.9% textual. We have "seen" each other a few times on webcameras but never actually met in real life. I hope to one of these days though. We have this bond that I have yet to have with anyone else in this world. We talk almost every day, or we used to then I lost the use of my phone and now I can't talk to him everyday. Sadface. I know that there are little things that he shares with me that make me feel special because I'd like to think that I'm the only one he shares them with though I know I'm not and I have accepted that. But the situation is reveresed for me. I have told him things that I have only told him and maybe one or two other people besides him. I don't know, maybe it's my fascination (I'm weird I know this ) with deaf people and people that are different in general but yet still the same. I don't know but this madness needs to end. I either need to meet him sometime in the near future and see if these feelings are still there or what. Orrrrr I just need to move on. Again.
This madness was brought to you by my ipod and the fact that whenever I listen to it when I'm lonely it plays lovey dovey songs that turn me all emo and shit...ugh...I need some new music selections I think..... =/
Well I ate 3 huge pieces of lasanga that was brilliant! Took a nap, went to the movies with a friend and saw Couples Retreat, which is a great movie, I recommend it! We also watched a movie on my friends ipod in her car until our movie started. hehehehe it was so fun!
Now on a more serious note tonight my friend and I were listening to music in her car and a few songs about LOVE came on and I got to thinking about it and how much I kind of do miss being held and loved and hugged and kissed and all that other lovey dovey things that people that have a significant other do. I know that right now with my current situation that keeping someone around is near impossible but hey it's worth a try at this point. I know that I'm reaching for the stars right now but it's better than reaching for the sun and getting burned.
My second week/round of chemo starts next week. I hope things aren't as bad as they were the last round. I don't want to be sicker then I already am. Thankfully, this time I have a book that I am re-reading that will keep me entertained during chemo. That and my ipod. :)
Well folks I think that is all for tonight, time to choke down a potassium pill and wait a while then go to bed.
Night and best wishes to all!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Its been awhile since I have wrote, turns out I had pneumonia and had to be hospitalized and put into isolation for 3 days. It sucked. Now I'm out and my hair has been starting to fall out like snow so I just told my mom to just cut it-shave it all off. Figured things would be easier that way and so far I was right. I apparently have a perfect head and so I look slightly normal with no hair, which is weird but I'm ok with it. It grows back so that gives me something to look forward to.
Bald is beautiful!
Monday, September 28, 2009
-Can I get a flu shot? Yes but the chemo might make it not work so well since it's chemo it messes with the immune system.
-What stage is it? Stage 3, and there's 4 of them to my type of cancer. :( .
-When does chemo start? My chemo is scheduled to start Oct. 5,2009 at 8:00 am.
Oh yeah, apparently I am not 5'8' like I thought I was I'm 5'7' and have gained all the weight back that I was with the tumor still inside of me. Sigh.
At first when I was filling out my paperwork and everything they needed from me I was doing fine as far as nerves go but as soon as the doctor stepped into the room and started telling me everything that's when the confidence and positive attitude started to slide a little bit. But thankfully one of my best friends was there for moral support which I was really in need of at that point. But one funny thing did happen in the doctors office to try and take some of the fright off. My cancer is pretty much the female equivalant of testicular cancer. We all kind of found that kind of funny hehe. But from what I have heard and believe I can beat it. :D
After the visit to the doctors my friend and her boyfriend and I went to Taco Bell and got some eats,then ran some errands and before I had to go home we stopped by Party America to get ideas for her sisters Halloween party! While we were there and had been looking around for awhile and out of nowhere one of my ex's came up behind me and scared the crap out of me! Low and behold it was my high school sweetheart! In all honesty as soon as I saw him minus the awkward "oh yea so how are you and your girlfriend doing?" moments a lot of memories came rushing into my head. Not to be all mushy and girly or anything but when we hugged and it was awkward a little too but it felt really nice and I didn't really want to let go. It's so bad that I'm missing my ex and really bad that he has a girlfriend to boot. One he has been with for almost two years or so now...sooooooo bad. He was probably one of my only ex-boyfriends that I actually still have actual feelings for still and it has been 2 years since we broke up. I realize now that my reasons for breaking up with him were actual things that could have very easily been talked through and figured out and who knows we still might have been together now. But that's in the past and I can't dwell on it, just remember the memories of the day.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
After the visit to Target we headed back to my house to get ready for the night,she was heading to church and I to a cast party with an ex. After a series of a couple wrong turns on my part we finally got to the right house and started our mingling off rather slowly but within the first hour or so some of my old friends and I started to catch up and have fun. I told them about my recent news and accidentally became "Debbie Downer" but only for about a minute or two. I also signed some papers so that I can finally get my paycheck once I finish my next scene (where I "kill" someone). All in all I would have to say that tonight has been a great day and night. A few awkward moments that were quickly erased by beer and sheer not really caring.
I love my friends! They make everything good.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I want to be loved and find someone that is actual worthy (there have been a few that have come close) of my love and that I can give my whole heart to without after thoughts. I know that he is out there somewhere and that I should just sit back, relax and wait for them but not to be negative or morbid but in my current situation I don't know how much time is left. Not only am I plagued with those thoughts but since I have decided that the next romantic interest that I meet that I'm going to tell them that I'm sick right up front. Because I'm getting pretty good at this whole being direct with complete strangers...I am also worried that as soon as I tell them that I'm sick what are they going to do? Bolt? Stay and accept me or what? In the end who wants to be alone? Even if it's not going to be the end for me I still want someone that will be next to me holding my hand,holding me and letting me know that everything will be okay. My friends and family might just have to do "til that person comes along..
His stupid horse probably just stopped for some food or his damn GPS is broke...either way my patience is wearing thin and hopefully I don't have blinders on when he comes along.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Now that things have become much more difficult for us all I have started to worry and fret more...being positive is a little hard to do when you feel like your stuck in the middle of an ocean of bills,confusion and stress. I know that some people are saying that God is testing me and my family since I have already been through so much already why not just throw a big one on me that scares the living hell out of me! I don't know how to navigate this very welll because my stroke messed with my head and I am confused enough by the medical jargon and my parents' hands are pretty much tied because I am no longer a minor and the medical system and everyone else think that I should or am prepared for everything that they drop on me but I'm NOT!!!!
I want this all to be over with right here and now! I kmow that it won't be unfortunately but I can wish it..I know that I have a big fight ahead of me and I'm ready, I have the support and prayers of so many and hopefully once I go back to church and feel all the positive energy and just let it soak in and help me win this thing. I'm going to try and get back in touch with the Big Man Upstairs but for me it might take some time to build that back up...
I met a man named Roberto today at my moms garage sale. his words,like many others had such a profound effect on me it made me happy that there are actually great people in this world, I already knew that there were but they were people that I already knew, but this gentleman was truly that.
I cannot wait to feel better emotionally,physically,mentally,and with a little help from my family,friends and others around me I know that I will!
Since I have been out (and bouts of insomnia were in the hospital) of the hospital I have been having some major insomnia, I don't know if it is caused by stress overload,anxiety,boredom or just general not tiredness. But it is not helping. I need plenty of rest to be strong for the months ahead and I'm really starting to hate that my prime writing times are after midnight not earlier, even though during the day the words come to me in bits in pieces but my best time is in the nearly wee hours of the night/morning. On that note I'm going to turn everything off and try to get some sleep.
Monday, September 14, 2009
I understand that he is busy with school,work, friends and family . I'm busy with my own things but lately it doesn't seem as though he wants to see me anymore, as if it's too much of a hassle to drive here and see me. If that is the case I just want some honesty and truth..I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore. I've had too much go on in my life for me to be hurt anymore. Maybe I'm frigid and bitter because of it,if so then so be it. If my car was reliable enough and I could navigate myself up there and back to see him then I would but I don't have those luxuries at the moment. As much as I love his family and he likes mine I think that an end is coming soon. I really don't want to because I really do like him and he has been there for me for so much but the other night we both concluded that the distance betweeen us (literal) is distancing us.
Eelationships with a great spark are NOT supposed to fizzle out before the one month mark! I wonder if I am ever going to find a guy that is going to make it to the one year mark and beyond...I'm young I know but at this point in life my I don't know what to do except for take life and drink it up! Living life to the fullest is what I feel I need to do at this point.
I'm almost hesitant to post this but this is MY blog to post whatever I want and these words might not come back to my mind so I guess it was better to get this off of my chest now then never.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
On September 2,2009 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I am now using this blog as a chronicle/memoir of everything that I am about to go through. As daunting as the next few months are going to be I know that I am going to make it through it all, especially with the love and support of everyone around me.