Friday, September 18, 2009

Faith.Brutal honesty,Strangers wisdom.Insomnia.

Alright so I know that in my situation I'm supposed to be strong and be positive through all of this but seeing as its been years since I have stepped foot into a mass I have some issues trusting in and having faith in God. He took my stepmom and I am still waiting on all of my answers from that situation...and other things that I have lost faith in him through the years with. But I just kind of find it hard to believe when all of these negative things keep happening, I just want a break for me and my family.

Now that things have become much more difficult for us all I have started to worry and fret more...being positive is a little hard to do when you feel like your stuck in the middle of an ocean of bills,confusion and stress. I know that some people are saying that God is testing me and my family since I have already been through so much already why not just throw a big one on me that scares the living hell out of me! I don't know how to navigate this very welll because my stroke messed with my head and I am confused enough by the medical jargon and my parents' hands are pretty much tied because I am no longer a minor and the medical system and everyone else think that I should or am prepared for everything that they drop on me but I'm NOT!!!!

I want this all to be over with right here and now! I kmow that it won't be unfortunately but I can wish it..I know that I have a big fight ahead of me and I'm ready, I have the support and prayers of so many and hopefully once I go back to church and feel all the positive energy and just let it soak in and help me win this thing. I'm going to try and get back in touch with the Big Man Upstairs but for me it might take some time to build that back up...

I met a man named Roberto today at my moms garage sale. his words,like many others had such a profound effect on me it made me happy that there are actually great people in this world, I already knew that there were but they were people that I already knew, but this gentleman was truly that.

I cannot wait to feel better emotionally,physically,mentally,and with a little help from my family,friends and others around me I know that I will!

Since I have been out (and bouts of insomnia were in the hospital) of the hospital I have been having some major insomnia, I don't know if it is caused by stress overload,anxiety,boredom or just general not tiredness. But it is not helping. I need plenty of rest to be strong for the months ahead and I'm really starting to hate that my prime writing times are after midnight not earlier, even though during the day the words come to me in bits in pieces but my best time is in the nearly wee hours of the night/morning. On that note I'm going to turn everything off and try to get some sleep.

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