This is just how I feel..right now.

As I get older more and more of my friends are having kids and getting married and I'm very happy for them and wish them the best of luck with all my heart and that they have happy lives. But I on the other hand I am still testing the waters and trying to figure out what I do or don't want out of my life....in a nutshell this blog is going to be about children. And the reasons that I have now for not particulary wanting any.

The first and foremost reason is cancer. It has been running in my family and I don't want to pass it on to my kids. I wouldn't wish cancer of any kind to anyone not even my worst enemy.

My brothers are birth control enough,don't get me wrong I love them and I know that boys will be boys and all that but I don't want 'em. Sorry Mom and Dad.

Some people are really going to hate me for this last one but I want to live a slightly selfish life. I want my own independence,my own space and everything else that comes with it. If I do manage to find someone that loves me for who I am and everything else and decides they want to marry me then sure I think that I might accept,especially if I'm at the age that I see myself getting married. I just want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

If I do marry someone that does want kids and I end up wanting them as well, and I find out that I am ill-equipped due to cancer then I might consider adoption.

Domestication,it's a skill that I have been having drilled into my brain for the past 20 years. Only now I'm starting to get it down...took me long enough right? Maybe but I'm just the type of person that can live in "organized clutter" and still manage to function right. Granted my mom makes me clean my room is the clutter becomes too unmanageable.

But I digress.


Lately I have been the baker of the family baking up all sorts of cookies and watching them disappear, it's been great :D. I have also been cleaning the house for my mom and while it has been tiring I have been doing pretty good. I'm pretty sure that when I get my own place in the future that it will be kept pretty clean. I'm not a fan of messes though I make them but I tend to try to clean up after myself at one point or another.

Other things in my life are going fairly well, my boyfriend (Alex) and I have been together for almost 2 months. I know it's not that big of a deal for two people to make it together for 2 months but for someone that has crappy luck staying in a healthy happy relationship with one person for even close to a year let alone 1 month this is really good. I can honestly say that I see good things in my future with him. As far as the cancer thing goes, I have a doc's appointment at the end of this week for a scan and blood test then in Febuary I believe I get my prognosis (hopefully it's good). My hair is growing more and more every day and I love it! I miss having hair soooooooo much! Hmm let's see Alex asked me to his schools Valentine's Day ball/dance thing at his school two days before the actual day and that should be fun, I'm still hoping that I can make enchilladas and chocolate covered strawberries for us but if not I will do it another day when I have the money and we have the time.

So I suppose even though some things in my life are kind of hellish I have learned that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle and everything happens for a reason. But in the end we usually make it through it no matter how hard the journey was.

XOXO

Not a lot to say right now.

How many unfortunate things can happen to one family? Is the very threat of genetics not good enough? Is there a lesson that we are all supposed to learn from this or is it just another reminder to count our blessings? Don't get me wrong after the past couple of months I have been counting my blessings and being thankful that i wake up every day and live another day. Today I heard some very disheartening news about my dad, he has esophogeal cancer. As far as I know they will not operate they are just going to use chemo to kill it. I am not too sure how my brother is handling this and I really wish that my dad didn't live so far away and that I had a car that ran and was insured and everything else but I think that I'm just going to have to do some careful planning.

I go in for my own scan and blood test at the end of this week. Hopefully things look better for me.