Plan B & Mother's Day

Last night while laying in bed trying to get my thoughts to slow and my self to sleep something hit me, we'll just call it one of life's brick walls. We all know how fun those can be. Well this one flat out sucked, and still being awake at 3 am really didn't help much either.

My old name for my blog was called The Clean Slate for those that weren't around during that time, I chronicled a year of major up's and down's in my life from everything from being diagnosed with cancer and being told I was in remission 6 months later, to my dad's diagnoses of cancer to the night he passed. I also kept more of the private things during that years and years past in physical journals and notebooks. So being a collector of nostalgia and sentiments I have compiled a fair amount of journals in my day and every time I can sense a new chapter of my life to end I buy a new journal and start the whole process all over again. So I'm doing that now, no I'm not starting a new blog for the next "chapter" but I am going to try and figure something out to bring in the new.

So I'm not sure if I'm going to be getting into the school that I've applied to due to lack of taking an ACT test and  all the other things that are required for going to a uni. I'm not sure yet though, my hope and momentum for this dream isn't one that's easily swayed. Though last night my realization also came equipped with a plan just in case things don't go the way I'm hoping.  A few posts ago I said that my mom had her own sort of idea for me to go back to school, work AND still live with her even though it's not exactly what I want to do, but the gods must have been listening because that's what I may have to do and I really, really don't want to.

All of the momentum  that I've had over the past few weeks feels like it has just flung me into a brick wall full of nails. Sadly tonight my attempts to make my mom's Mother's Day great was a bust. I gave her a candle that smells amazing and the new Stevie Nicks cd, she blatantly told me that she didn't really like the cd that I drove all over town to find for her and the candle that I got her despite it's amazing smell didn't really get much of a reaction, just because it didn't have a fucking wood wick!! Than some other shit happened but I'll save that..I vented enough already. It's time for me to start the new Sarah Dessen book that I got tonight at Walmart during another Bored Browsing spree.

Happy Mother's Day all!

xoxo

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That's it, my Miss Independent thing is getting a little stale. Work used to be a place for me to get human interaction and to feel accepted a little. But due to recent events it is slowly  just becoming just a source of income that I sometimes loathe going to and giving up my weekends for. I'm not exactly complaining here let's just get that straight here and now. My fellow employees are like a little second or third family to me. But sometime's a girl (especially a picky single girl) needs a shake up to a mundane routine.

I feel like I need a distraction from my life, something tangible and physical. I want to rest my head on a warm shoulder, feel the weight of another's hand clasped in mine, ya know among other things. I'm not sure if this is vulnerability or what but it is not desperation. Even though sadly the last person of the opposite sex to touch me was my dentist,....and the lame levels rise.

If you can't tell already, I'm a walking contradiction and I know this. this post is a great example of this admission too. I want what my friend's have, great boyfriends that treat them great and think that the sun rises and falls over their ass, or something like that. I want someone to go to lame movies with just so I can have an excuse to make out with them (not that there ever really needs to be an excuse to make out with someone that you like but it sure doesn't hurt. I sure as hell wouldn't mind having someone to  join me for a meal every now and then, hell I'll even pay for my own meal just eat with me and let's enjoy each other's company! Geez I'm gonna be a cat lady before I'm even 22 and I don't even own any cat's!

Patience sure is a bitch of a thing to do sometimes.

  but dammit I'm lonely!



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