Thursday, August 11, 2011

A manifesto of sorts

I've been in need of a long good has you in a fetal position on the bathroom floor for hours cry for quite some time now. So naturally I went to a movie to see if I could cry the well dry and ring out every last tear from my heavy eyes. Apparently I was wrong, my labors were fruitless and once again I felt defeated, Life-67767656565856 points Nicole- -4. I went to see the movie The Help tonight after work and by myself. I'm one of those strange types that enjoy seeing a movie by themselves every now and then and comes home and incorporates it in to a blog post. Sue me. I went in to the movie knowing that it would be sad but I wasn't aware of the magnitude of sadness because I never finished the book when I started reading it. I digress, I sat down ready to be inspired and maybe even have a good cry, the sad parts were sad and the happy parts were beautiful and the whole movie was really done well. But even when the saddest parts came on and everyone else around me was blubbering like a baby who's candy has just been stolen, my tears never fell. I think I'm broken. If anyone has seen that Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet movie where they switch houses for like a month because they're sick of their current lives and need a change and Cameron Diaz just broke up with her boyfriend but can't properly mourn the break up by crying about it, well then damnit just give me some blond hair and a hot body and call me Cameron, because I think I'm broken too! One would think that with all of the stress and sadness and anger in me at the moment that I would just be a teary faced hot mess (I kind of am right now, but that's a different story) but I'm just….. I don't know really, I think I might have known a while ago but now I'm not sure.


There are a few things I do know for sure though;

- I'm over this overly sullen and gloomy happy masked face girl that I have been lately.

–I'm sick of being in this seemingly perpetual creative rut, and I want the spark for writing that I used to have to come back like fire from a blow torch.

-I want to continue my education, work my ass off and get to a better spot in my life. This life is not one that my Dad or stepmom saw me having before they passed away.

-I want to be happy more than anything right now momentary happiness isn't cutting it for me anymore. Sorry John Lennon but I'm about to do away with my "waves of sorrow and pools of joy" even if it kills me!

I've started to contemplate on my Plan B if my school rejects my appeal and says that I can't study there because I may be "too much of a risk for them to take", though I'm thinking all the positive thoughts that I can and am praying like crazy that they say yes and give me the chance that I so desperately need/want to make a positive change in my life and make my Dad and the rest of my family proud. I am ready for it, I'm hungry for it and I have total confidence in myself that I will do great, even if a little help is needed in between. But just waiting for an answer is agonizing. I've decided that if I'm rejected that I'm going to go back to the community college here in town because I want to fill my head with more than just what my regulars at work order and I'm going to at least get my Associate's and eventually work to getting back to the University to finish everything up and go from there. I'm also going to seek out the help from my friends because I have to get out of this house and off of my mom's leash. I love her but I'm done raising kids. I'm probably a terrible selfish person now for saying all of that but I'm 22 years old and I have a life ahead of me that I'm losing sight of every day. I can't and I won't let that happen because I'm not getting any younger and life's not getting any easier for anyone but the least I could do for myself is to save myself from following someone else's foot path when I could blaze my own trail and travel the road less traveled.


  1. I'm sorry you've been dealing with so much sadness and frustration. I can empathize with that feeling, and all I can say is that even though it feels like the whirlpool of ridiculosity has no end in sight, this is one of those times where you can discover a lot about yourself and about where you want to go next. It sucks, it hurts, but there is an immense opportunity for growth lying under all the wreckage. I hope that you can access that and start climbing your way back to a routine that has life and joy and breaths of fresh air, where you aren't weighed down by all of this. I think you are already on your way if you can pinpoint what you do know and what you do want, and if you can start making plans to move forward. I wish you the best and hope for a joyful heart and healthy spirit for you! We're here to be your support when you need us.

  2. I also enjoy going to the movies alone. I've never really understood the notion of cinema being a social event. You sit in a big dark room watching a giant screen - you can't really interact with anyone. Being alone makes most sense.
    I hope you feel better soon. And I hope you get into school.


Thank you for leaving me an assorted thought of your own. :)