This isn't goodbye, not really.

Today begins the start of a very long week of a very long year for my family and I. With the news of my appeal going through and my elation to start moving and getting the hell out of Dodge I think that my youngest brother, whom I'm very close with may be taking this the hardest..well maybe we all are come to think of it. My youngest brother is spoiled rotten and mainly by me, we have little sister brother dates to the frozen yogurt shop and to lunch and to get a small toy now and then. So it's understandably going to be hard on he and I because that was our thing. It's not something 6 year olds can just forget about doing stuff like that takes time for anyone. I know that it's my fault that he's taking this so hard but he does know that his big sister needs to get out of the house and do better things with her life. Plus it's not like I'm going to be hours away, just one and I intend to visit every chance I get.

There will be a waterfall of tears comparable to Niagra Falls this week.

When Vada lost Thomas J

Prom 2007

All that stress that I droned on about in the last post now seems very irrelevant and pithy compared to the bomb that was dropped on my this afternoon thirty minutes before I had to go to work today. A really close friend of mine that lives about an hour and a half  away from me was killed yesterday morning at 2 am. I recieved the message from my mom who was taking my brother to the grocery store after his football game. When she told me the news I sat in shock and awe for a good 15 minutes, I'm still mortified that something like this happened to one of my closest friends.

I drove to work like a statue almost and was more or less the same at work too, except for the required small talk and smile that is required in my line of work my emotions were on lock down. I think I've lost the ability to cry actually, I always seem to be in a constant state of shock that sadly even death of a dear friend who's parents and and mine thought that one day he and I would have a future together as more can't melt the cold heart I think I have.

I don't know what to do, even as I type this and tell other close friends of he and I's I still don't know what to do. I guess the only good thing that I can gather from the very little details I've heard all night was that he probably didn't suffer.

A little introspection and a cracked shell

All my life I've worn a rock hard shell of stubbornness and courage, the proverbial "brave face" but that shell has collected some dents and cracks over the years. The first 14 years of my life were split between hospitals and a little bit of my mom and dad's houses. When I was born I wasn't supposed to even make it more than 10 hours due to a severe heart condition.

It's been a year since my dad has passed and I don't think that I have ever fully grieved, I don't know if it's because I just haven't had the time, the energy or what exactly but I think that as the days pass and things start to get crazier I don't think it will ever get done. In the past year since he's been gone I have noticed that I have been a little testier and angrier than normal. I've never been much of an angry person to begin with but now it's been starting to get out of hand. I mean I'm not like ripping people's faces off if they give me attitude but when your deemed the "the goody goody" throughout middle school and high school  I have to let the "bitch" out of me.

I really hate how much I have been letting some external things get to me lately, from snarky customers to one of my brother's semi "holier than thou" attitude just because he plays sports and is a 12 year old man whore in training, yes I know that I really shouldn't let any of this get to me but it's hard for me not to sometimes, I tend to take some things to heart every now and then. It's a blessing and a curse some times...
Thankfully it's finally June and August will be here before I know it and I can begin a new (much awaited) chapter in my life and get away from the slight craziness that is my family.

I really miss my daddy you guys.

What do you do when you really miss someone that's not physically around anymore?

xoxo