Saturday, June 4, 2011

A little introspection and a cracked shell

All my life I've worn a rock hard shell of stubbornness and courage, the proverbial "brave face" but that shell has collected some dents and cracks over the years. The first 14 years of my life were split between hospitals and a little bit of my mom and dad's houses. When I was born I wasn't supposed to even make it more than 10 hours due to a severe heart condition.

It's been a year since my dad has passed and I don't think that I have ever fully grieved, I don't know if it's because I just haven't had the time, the energy or what exactly but I think that as the days pass and things start to get crazier I don't think it will ever get done. In the past year since he's been gone I have noticed that I have been a little testier and angrier than normal. I've never been much of an angry person to begin with but now it's been starting to get out of hand. I mean I'm not like ripping people's faces off if they give me attitude but when your deemed the "the goody goody" throughout middle school and high school  I have to let the "bitch" out of me.

I really hate how much I have been letting some external things get to me lately, from snarky customers to one of my brother's semi "holier than thou" attitude just because he plays sports and is a 12 year old man whore in training, yes I know that I really shouldn't let any of this get to me but it's hard for me not to sometimes, I tend to take some things to heart every now and then. It's a blessing and a curse some times...
Thankfully it's finally June and August will be here before I know it and I can begin a new (much awaited) chapter in my life and get away from the slight craziness that is my family.

I really miss my daddy you guys.

What do you do when you really miss someone that's not physically around anymore?



  1. I have a hard time showing my feelings too and I've found going to a psychologist helps alot

  2. I seriously have the same experience right now. It's been 4 years since my mom has passed away and since then, I've always been this angry person. I even shock myself. I have this "I don't give a sh*t attitude" that I'm trying to get rid of now and yeah, the bitch me is controlling right now but I'm trying to control it now and be the me I used to be. It's hard but I have to do it. I also miss my mom but I know I have to be much stronger now. No one can help me but myself. You should try to motivate yourself.

  3. Hey mine has been gone for 4 years as of yesterday. You really won't bounce back from it. Bad thing to say but it's true.
    Sometimes you just have to keep on going. You'll miss out on things that you were expecting to experience as a child. Just try to make the best of it. That's pretty much any of us can do at this point.
    Stay positive!

  4. Life- if I could afford a therapist I may have had one already, but I think this blog is pretty cathartic enough sometimes, I have a journal too so that helps too for the really private stuff.
    Nyle-I'm sorry for your loss hun, I know that it's not easy, and I think I'm stronger now because of it too but it also hurts more than it helps somedays too. I was never really this brash before and I mean I'm stilll a nice sweeet person but sometimes the bottled up emotions in me just come out without notice, I'm working on that though. I am more than motivated to get out of my current living situation and start a fresh chapter.

    Sparks-I'm so sorry to hear that. Thank you for the sage words of advice and I'm an optimist wrapped in slight pessimism.

    Thank you all I appreciate it. :)

  5. I read at this one article in penzu blog that keeping a journal of a blog helps you. So just write a post when you feel down or even when you are happy. I write my bad days too but on my other blog where no I know can read. It's one of the reason why I don't post much of my anger or sad emotions in my blog. hehehe

    Anyway, hope you are feeling much, much better now (:

  6. Sometimes certain things happen in life, the affect of which we can't really erase. The best we can do is accept them and move on. Move on to things which we love doing, which make us happy, which make us feel good about ourself.
    I know all this is easier said than done, but a tiny bit of doing so everyday will help you feel a lot better. And you do seem a strong person to me, make sure you stay good to yourself :)

    Love 'n Smiles,

  7. Nicole, I can afford a therapist (well, my insurance does) and he told me to journal. And blog, if that helps to. So you are on the right track! AND you didn't have to pay someone to tell you to do it! (Which is why I started blogging in the first place!) Good luck.

  8. Thank you Chick, I keep both and they tend to help too, that or talking to friends, :) I appreciate the advice guys. :)


Thank you for leaving me an assorted thought of your own. :)