I hate when I get like this.

I have just sent a few text messages and IM's out to a few friends of mine that are more of less complaining of one thing. Loneliness and my overwhelming amount of it right now, I'm not sure why it has chosen to hit me at 12am when I am supposed to be deep in a REM sleep. But loneliness is just one of the many things on my list of "things that keep me awake at night" and right now I really hate myself for feeling it so heavily. I don't know if it was brought on by the characters in the book I just finished or the fact that it's about to start storming at any given moment or the fact that my cat went MIA this afternoon and hasn't come back yet or what. Whatever it is, I need to figure out a way to stop this increasing insomnia.

I feel like a shitty excuse for a daughter and sister to my dad and brother because I haven't called to check in on them in about two weeks,and I haven't been out to see them in almost six months and my dad is barely hanging in there I'm sure. I hate that I'm here and he is there fighting for his life and I can't even find a ride out there to see him because I'm too busy helping my mom out with things that are more of her responsibility then mine. What if I had never left his house back when my stepmom killed herself and I had stayed with the man that practically raised me into the woman I am today. Would my mom and former stepdad still be married? Would I have even had cancer? Would I be finishing up my schooling and getting ready to dive headfirst into a career? Or would I still be as I am now,jobless, more or less carless and a nanny/maid for my mom and brothers?

Nevermind the fact that yes, I am a little jealous of a few of my friends for moving forward in their lives while I just am stuck like a bump on a log and don't appear to be going anywhere in much of a hurry. I'm sorry if this seems like I'm throwing myself a pity party here but I'm not. Pity partiers don't break down in tears halfway through a blog post. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for my friends and I support them (I really do) but I just wish that I was moving forward right along with them. Another thing that sucks is that my best friend and I seem to be getting some distance between us and we used to be likethis and she's one of my "persons" and well it just sucks not having her around as much to talk to, especially when she doesn't do something as simple as text back. I know she's busy and has a life but I just miss our closeness and almost sister like presence. But as everyone and their mother keeps telling me, "Good things come to those who wait". Well how much longer do I have to wait?

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so lonely and wanting someones arms around me when I'm surrounded by people that love and support me every day, I have been through A LOT of hardship in my life and have beaten through it with flying colors. One of the things that my mom has taught me and has pressed on my for quite some time now is that you don't need a man around when you can do the same things that they can do and provide for yourself. While that may be true since I have seen her do it on her own for so long and I have been more or less doing the same (at least trying to). It gets old and stale and you eventually forget how to love another person like that and 20 years down the road you start collecting cats. Right now I am just craving someones arms to be wrapped in and the warmth of another body by my side protecting me for just a little while and not passing judgement on me or anything like that.

Okay I think that now that the tears have mostly dried and slight fatigue is starting to set in that it is time to once again try to fall asleep.

Oh, and the book that inspired this loneliness is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. You should check it out.

Night all and thank you for reading my rant and congrats to making it to the end!

XOXO

In the words of....

I think the title speaks for itself.

Pat Benatar- I Need A Hero

The Smiths- Please,please, Let Me Get What I Want

Foo Fighters-Learn to Fly

Jordin Sparks-One Step at A Time

Natasha Bedingfield- The Rest is still Unwritten..

Grits- My Life be Like

The Ting Tings- Shut up and Let Me Go

No Doubt- I'm Just a Girl

Muse- Time is Running Out

Matisyahu-One Day

Lily Allen-Fuck You

John Mayer- Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Death Cab for Cutie- The Ice is Getting Thinner

Carolina Liar- Show Me What I'm Looking For

Cage the Elephant- Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Adele-Chasing Pavements

Tegan and Sera- Where Did the Good Go?

Get what you want from this post...comments are always welcome :)

XOXO

The Great Perhaps

It has come to that point in my life where I am at the proverbial "fork in the road" of my life, my choices are either pray like hell that I get the job in Iowa and move in with my aunt and uncle which would be cool but I have a lot of family and friends here that I would miss a lot. Orrrr I could keep trying like hell to get a job down here, and make sure it's a good one and try to go back to school at a community college again and see where life takes me from there.

At this point I'm just confused and want something good to happen (like a job) so that I can pick up where I left off and get my life in order and go from there. So heres to hoping....

At this time in my life I kind of feel like a loser, even after all I have been through I sometimes just don't feel like I'm quite up to par with most people my age. If I had known about Drake University before I enrolled into the community college by my house then who knows where I would be now. I would be on the fast track to graduation and getting a job and starting my career and setting some roots down somewhere.

But I know that everything happens for a reason, I just want to know what that reason might be.

Nerdfighters!

On my nightstand sits a true sign of nerddom, I have 4 new books from the library and one of my own to sink my teeth into. I can't wait either! I'm hoping I guess that my weekend will either be really sucky and boring or long and relaxing. "But why did you get so much books?" you may or may not be asking yourself and my answer to that is quite simply, for the escape. I like Alaska in Looking for Alaska by John Green have a "Life Library" I find random and sometimes books that I really want and if I don't read them now then I plan on reading them in the future when I'm old and grey.

I'm sorry that my blogs lately have been increasingly boring and sparse but my life hasn't been too exciting lately.I'm still doing the same things I do every day, babysit,clean, look for a job, spend WAY too much time on the computer (yes, some of it is productive! This is my case in point. ) I will admit though I am blessed and very grateful for the people and the things that I have in my life. I love them all even if I don't get around to see them as often as I'd like or if I don't tell them nearly as enough as I need to. I'm hoping that eventually my blogs will be a little more enjoyable to read. I need a good adventure or something, oh and for my camera to magically work again!

Ok, that is all I have for now. Sorry for the lack of interesting happenings today. Maybe I should have a guest writer one day?

OK XOXO kiddies

Let the countdown begin!!

I have noticed something since I have been in remission and that is that I have been letting myself go! Not so much mentally as much as physically, ever since my surgery that was way back when in August of '09. After my surgery and during my chemotherapy my weight has fluxuated like a freaking bouncy ball. And so my mission to halt the weight rollercoaster I'm going to start exercising more and getting my body back into the shape that it was meant to be! Yes, I will admit that this new mission is partially due to pressure from the media and a little from the people around me. To motivate myself more, my 21st birthday is in about a month! I have big plans for that night even though it is a Sunday :/ but I do plan on having as much fun that night as I can and I plan on looking as great as I can from that day on. My goal for my birthday is to fit into a really cute outfit and to fell great about myself and of course to celebrate the next chapter of my life and the fact that I have made it this far.

XOXO

Heaven

This week I have rediscovered the library and all of it's otherwise undiscovered treasure before. Earlier in the week I took my brother there after he got done with preschool and we both picked out a few books, he choose a hefty load of holiday books and a manga book that he can't even understand but he's 5 and wanted to be like his big sister, as for me I randomly grabbed two books off of the shelves. I started the only one that captured my attention that day and finished it yesterday night. I happen to love the kind of books that you just want to ingest for hours on end and stay up into the wee hours of the morning til it's done.

Today we hit the library again and this time I came out with a massive amount of literature in tow, and yet I still feel like I need more. It seems like all that I have been doing today and yesterday has been reading and I will be the first one to tell you that that would be a perfect life for me,a highly non realistic one but one I wouldn't mind having nonetheless.

Earlier today in need of a serious break from my family and more time to myself and with nature I decided to take my dog for a walk to a now very important place in my heart. I made my way down the broken slices of sidewalk to the neighborhood behind mines walking trail/lake area to a spot in the grass that looked perfect for my intended purpose. I took a seat in the lush green grass with the sun hovering me and kissing me with just enough sunlight to keep me happy and escaped into Secret Scribbled Notebooks-one of the books on the mountain I currently plan on conquering this weekend. It was so beautiful, the lake reflecting the sun like a mirror for the gods, the grass shooting to the sky like hands reaching for something better. I was in heaven, my newer heaven...the still current but hardly visited one is any bookstore on this planet! I've tried to apply to bookstores and libraries but for some reason they just won't hire me. It's a little disheartening but there's a reason for everything. Ok off to escape some more.

XOXO

I wish I was a Gilmore Girl

Ever since my mom has started working and I still have yet to be employed my mom has taken FULL and complete advantage of me and any sort of a life I dream of having. Ok, yes I do have it good because I live here rent free and she pays my cell phone bill for me but I really, really, REALLY need to get out of this house and start building a life of my own. Last I was told my place in her life is 'daughter' NOT crutch/maid/nanny. I understand that yes while I have no job that this is helpful for her since she is employed but I have been trying like hell to get out and apply but 1.) I am not taking my brother with me to an interview or to fill out a job application, I'll look like a mother that can't control her unruly kid. 2.) Everytime I ask to use her car while she's home and not using it, she "doesn't hear me" or I can use her car as long as it is to get my brothers from somewhere or to run her errands. Suffice to say I really wish that I had a job (preferably in Iowa with my aunt), a better working insured car, and my own place far away from here. If only a place like Stars Hollow existed....

I was watching Gilmore Girls today and there is something about that show that I have always loved. I don't know if it's the fabulous writing, the amazingly dynamic relationships that the characters share or the fact that I wish I had the kind of amazing relationship and life that Lorelai and Rory share with my mom. Sadly as much of a fan as I am of the show I only own season 7 of the series and there is only 7 of them! I need the rest of them as well as all of the seasons of Sex and the City, and Glee and soo many other shows among the hundreds of books that I wish I had. I'm not really a materialistic person but I adore books and movies and music and cover art and the general capturing of a moment in time that is there to stay forever.

Ok folks I think that that is all for now, it's late and I have had a long day/week/month/year even! I can't wait to get out of here.

Goodnight/morning loves.

XOXO