Appeals, work, family, a woman with lots of free time on her hands and make her daughter make her own bed for them. It's a bunch of crap..I'm exhausted and my body is finally starting to scream while the words stay inside, festering and bubbling which is NOT good. I need to get away, I need to learn to stand up to my mom who won't even let me explain how a perfume bottle accidentally broke, that I never touched. I'm done being shit on and being under appreciated. It's days like these that hope is hardest to hold onto, all I want is a little stability and love. Two very simple things that always seem to be out of my reach. The only stability I do seem to find is in my books (which I can't seem to stop buying) and I just use them for escape.
Also, in my efforts to start getting ready for school and get things that I need to get done, apparently I've been "slacking" in my chores, which is a joke if I've ever heard one. I work nights and have a weird sleep schedule and I feel obligated to watch my littlest brother because my other brother tends to be a bully towards him for no reason at all so I try not to leave the house before work so there's that. Sure I should hang out with friends but due to recent losses I don't have many that live in the area, and I don't date because my mom somehow always tends to run them off before I get the chance to, if I'm even with them that long...
I'm so ready to get away, sorry for the word vomit but it had to get out. No more festering.
So earlier today I was on Facebook just checking up on things and posting on a wall or two when I saw a status update from one of my supposedly best friends that I hadn't heard from in going on four months. She's in Texas, Texas!! I figured that she would be going down there this summer as it's something that she does twice a year to see family but I tried IM'ing her and calling her but that led to no avail. Sadly I think that her and I's friendship has run it's course. I almost saw this day coming the day she met her boyfriend, I tried to be happy for her but he was never really my favorite. I got the heebeegeebees just being around the guy.
But at least I have learned one great thing today, I know who my true friends are whether they are right down the road or halfway across the country they will be there when I call or tweet or text. But this, this stress I really don't need. Not now, not ever especially since I wouldn't do something like this to her. I don't know if I will be her for her when he breaks her heart or something like that because right now my education is going to be my equivalant of her boyfriend. Yup, I'm going to be glued to it's hip every day and night and were going to be together for the next 4+ years! I'm excited!
To the friends, near, far and away I love you and thank you for being there for me and you know who you are!
“Love is a scary thing. If not reciprocated, it can turn a person into a monster.”-Michelle Young- Stone
This novel is one of the best coming of age/finding out who you really are stories that I have read in a while, the characters are very well developed and play all of their parts in Becca and Buckley’s lives beautifully. As far as chaotic lives go the trials and tribulations that the two share that bring them together in the end are enough to make even the most hopeless person have a little bit more hope about their own future. “Without hope…without faith…no one survives.” The last line in the book is probably one of my favorite last words to a book that I have ever read, when I picked up this book I didn’t really think that I would be quite as changed as much as I was in the end. The Handbook isn’t entirely just for Lightning Strike Survivors but it’s almost more of a fictional handbook for life. As corny as it may sound but gosh darn it it’s true! So of course I recommend this book and if you've already read it or it's on your bookshelf and you haven't cracked the spine yet, please do it!
Like the characters in the story I too have attempted running away from the chaotic unpredictability that has been my life for roughly the past four or more years, but I think that going through everything I’ve gone through has only made me stronger. Yes I’m a little bit of a walking cliché but I’ve read somewhere that clichés are the glue that holds some of us together when other things won’t. Including loved ones that almost refuse to say the most simple and powerful words known to man. After a while of not hearing that and if it’s heard and it doesn’t seem genuine and sincere then I think that yes it may in fact start to turn a person into a bit of a monster no matter how hard they may try to fight the pull. I know, I’ve been fighting the darkness before it takes over me.
I know I said that I was going to review The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake next but I couldn’t quite get into it so I’m saving it for another time.
I'm just stressed out and have only written one new post that I can't post yet because my laptop has no wifi so I'm sorry. I'll be back soon, once I figure out some school stuff and actually get moved. Or ya know if I find some wifi before then, I'm sorry follower that left me. I really appreciated you.
Tonight I write with a heavy heart,a tear swollen face and a head full of questions. I'm actually kind of at a loss for words tonight as I just walked out of the funeral roughly three hours ago and I've done nothing but sit in front of the television and veg out. Tonight of course is the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2 premiere and I'm meeting some friends at the theatre tonight so this whole day is going to be a somber one.
I don't really know what else to say because a lot of this is very personal to me and yes normally I'm an open book on ASOAS but tonight I don't think that anyone will get much out of me. So work tomorrow and the rest of this weekend is going to be an adventure in itself. But I can only pray for a tomorrow and talk every day one day at a time.
How do you cope with loss? I can't eat chocolate and walk around all the time.
All that stress that I droned on about in the last post now seems very irrelevant and pithy compared to the bomb that was dropped on my this afternoon thirty minutes before I had to go to work today. A really close friend of mine that lives about an hour and a half away from me was killed yesterday morning at 2 am. I recieved the message from my mom who was taking my brother to the grocery store after his football game. When she told me the news I sat in shock and awe for a good 15 minutes, I'm still mortified that something like this happened to one of my closest friends.
I drove to work like a statue almost and was more or less the same at work too, except for the required small talk and smile that is required in my line of work my emotions were on lock down. I think I've lost the ability to cry actually, I always seem to be in a constant state of shock that sadly even death of a dear friend who's parents and and mine thought that one day he and I would have a future together as more can't melt the cold heart I think I have.
I don't know what to do, even as I type this and tell other close friends of he and I's I still don't know what to do. I guess the only good thing that I can gather from the very little details I've heard all night was that he probably didn't suffer.
I've had this crippling headache for two days now and it's really starting to become less of a pain in the head and more of a pain in my ass. NO amount of pills that I have taken have made this pain end. Granted it's only been two so far but seriously. I've been thisclose to a nervous break down since Monday, I do realize that it's only Wednesday but the light at the end of the tunnel is being a damn tease!
My money is being stretched down to the last penny,I haven't bought anything needed for school yet, my car still hasn't been fixed yet, my brother seems to think that he can run the streets all hours of the day and night leaving me with my littlest brother when I have to go to work, not cool. I can't afford to lose my job as much as my mom can't. When I leave all of my responsiblities at home go to home. How's that for an Olympic torch?
My stress levels from living at home are going to be the death of me, I know life is a rollercoaster but I'm not a fan of them and I want off of this one right now! But I can't just yet, I have to wait until next month and that seems like it's light years away instead of weeks away.
Last night at work was a crappy one, I accidentally got my phone soaked but thankfully after letting it dry out as best I could for the night I went to go get a new battery this morning and by some miracle it worked! Then last night before I got off work I tried to cut a pizza and before I could get it to the table the whole thing flipped over and out of my hand and burnt the crap out of my right hand. Thankfully I'm better now and my nervous breakdown can hold off for awhile.
Only a little while longer left here and then I can turn the next page in my book, which is good since I feel like I'm only physically here. My brain and spirit are already up north. I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize but every now and then life happens and then we get back on with the show.