Plan B & Mother's Day

Last night while laying in bed trying to get my thoughts to slow and my self to sleep something hit me, we'll just call it one of life's brick walls. We all know how fun those can be. Well this one flat out sucked, and still being awake at 3 am really didn't help much either.

My old name for my blog was called The Clean Slate for those that weren't around during that time, I chronicled a year of major up's and down's in my life from everything from being diagnosed with cancer and being told I was in remission 6 months later, to my dad's diagnoses of cancer to the night he passed. I also kept more of the private things during that years and years past in physical journals and notebooks. So being a collector of nostalgia and sentiments I have compiled a fair amount of journals in my day and every time I can sense a new chapter of my life to end I buy a new journal and start the whole process all over again. So I'm doing that now, no I'm not starting a new blog for the next "chapter" but I am going to try and figure something out to bring in the new.

So I'm not sure if I'm going to be getting into the school that I've applied to due to lack of taking an ACT test and  all the other things that are required for going to a uni. I'm not sure yet though, my hope and momentum for this dream isn't one that's easily swayed. Though last night my realization also came equipped with a plan just in case things don't go the way I'm hoping.  A few posts ago I said that my mom had her own sort of idea for me to go back to school, work AND still live with her even though it's not exactly what I want to do, but the gods must have been listening because that's what I may have to do and I really, really don't want to.

All of the momentum  that I've had over the past few weeks feels like it has just flung me into a brick wall full of nails. Sadly tonight my attempts to make my mom's Mother's Day great was a bust. I gave her a candle that smells amazing and the new Stevie Nicks cd, she blatantly told me that she didn't really like the cd that I drove all over town to find for her and the candle that I got her despite it's amazing smell didn't really get much of a reaction, just because it didn't have a fucking wood wick!! Than some other shit happened but I'll save that..I vented enough already. It's time for me to start the new Sarah Dessen book that I got tonight at Walmart during another Bored Browsing spree.

Happy Mother's Day all!

xoxo

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That's it, my Miss Independent thing is getting a little stale. Work used to be a place for me to get human interaction and to feel accepted a little. But due to recent events it is slowly  just becoming just a source of income that I sometimes loathe going to and giving up my weekends for. I'm not exactly complaining here let's just get that straight here and now. My fellow employees are like a little second or third family to me. But sometime's a girl (especially a picky single girl) needs a shake up to a mundane routine.

I feel like I need a distraction from my life, something tangible and physical. I want to rest my head on a warm shoulder, feel the weight of another's hand clasped in mine, ya know among other things. I'm not sure if this is vulnerability or what but it is not desperation. Even though sadly the last person of the opposite sex to touch me was my dentist,....and the lame levels rise.

If you can't tell already, I'm a walking contradiction and I know this. this post is a great example of this admission too. I want what my friend's have, great boyfriends that treat them great and think that the sun rises and falls over their ass, or something like that. I want someone to go to lame movies with just so I can have an excuse to make out with them (not that there ever really needs to be an excuse to make out with someone that you like but it sure doesn't hurt. I sure as hell wouldn't mind having someone to  join me for a meal every now and then, hell I'll even pay for my own meal just eat with me and let's enjoy each other's company! Geez I'm gonna be a cat lady before I'm even 22 and I don't even own any cat's!

Patience sure is a bitch of a thing to do sometimes.

  but dammit I'm lonely!



source:Google Images

I'm in a weird mood today, and Barbies!

I miss the days of my youth.... things seemed so much easier than. No stupid boy troubles, no bills to pay and I could curl up with my dad in his worn over sized recliner and read some Dr. Seuss.

I miss the days when my best friend's and I would create elaborate story lines (Stephanie Meyer can suck it) and our Barbie's would live in awesome houses made of things found around the house and some of the actual house pieces that I had. Those Barbie's sure had great lives.

Then shit got real and life happened and I grew up fast. I'm not complaining but I miss those days, hell I still go play in parks any chance I get just because I can and it's a great reminder of innocence and youth. I was walking around Target today (because that's what you do when you get there and they don't have what you're looking for) and I wandered into the toy aisle which is  basically a fourth of the back of the store and got lost in the cotton candy pink aisles and just let my mind relax and let some of the stress I'm currently under melt away and surprisingly looking at Barbie's and how much they have changed throughout the years helped a lot.

 I think they're back together?

and finally, our society in Barbie form!

I don't really know what the gist of this post was, I'm in a weird mood today, and it needs to end soon.

I hope you all have a good day/night! 

xoxo

Regular programming will continue soon, hopefully. 

                             

It's 5 o'clock somewhere

IIt's 8 minutes into Cinco de Mayo and I would already like to start drinking (it's 5 o' clock somewhere dammit),  and the last two nights at work have been just like being in high school again. My high school experience was mundane at best, but since I'm not a fan of drama in the first place I'm super excited to not be going to work tomorrow.

I checked a very important website (the school I applied for) and I saw some good things, just short of missing a last check mark and an acceptance letter I'm feeling pretty damn good about this. I'm certainly not letting any negative people knock me down either, no matter how hard they may try and if they do knock me down they will not keep me down for long, that's just not happening. Nope. Not at all. Okay I'm done sounding cocky because that's not me at all.

Hmmm.... any new events coming up?  Oh! I have another dentist appointment on Monday, yay more numbing and not being able to feel my face, this time the right side!!! Mother's Day is this weekend, my brother's and I are cooking my mom breakfast and bringing it to her in bed, I'm getting her fresh flowers and the new Stevie Nick's album, I considered tickets for her concert in a few months but I'm poor so I'm settling for the next best thing. Then my brother's and my mom are going to an amusement park for the day while I go to work. I'm jealous.

So what's new with you guys and gals?

xoxo

Trying something new I think.

Movies I want to see this month:
Something Borrowed
Bridesmaids
Skateland
and a lot more!

xoxo

Any movie recommendations?

This is going to be a long month..

                                                    this month..I feel like the dog.

I have so much things going on this month, it's beyond ridiculous and a good portion of it is going to be waiting on an acceptance letter or a latter. I'm praying for the first one though...

• Mother's Day is right around the corner, I don't know what to get my mom and I get to work that day, sigh.
• My car needs to get fixed, ASAP.
• One of my brother's graduates 8th grade this month! Holy shit time flies!
• My step mom (who passed a few years back) would be celebrating her 59th (I think) birthday this month. 
• One year ago this month my dad passed away from throat, liver and bone cancer. 
• and waiting for an answer..

So yeah, that's that..I guess this is your warning that there may or may not be lots of posts this month to release stress,anxiety and whatnot.

Also, hello new readers! I adore you.

Music: the great communicator

I believe that if you think positively and act positively then the universe will bring you great things, that isn't too crazy right? I also believe that if you surround yourself with positive people and all together positive energy then things will happen for you. So I'm doing just that. I'm using music and even telling strangers my plans because sometimes strangers will leave a piece of themselves behind and will add to the burning optimism that I have in my heart. Though this month is going to be a  long and emotional month I'm going to keep myself optimistic and cheerful through everything.

I've compiled a playlist of some songs that have been keeping my spirits high and my worries low. Enjoy!

By the way the playlist is bottom left if you  haven't noticed yet. It's about as different and eclectic as me!

Why can't you just let me have this!?

Know what sucks?  When a person that is supposed to support you in everything that you do (whether it ends up not working out or not) doesn't support you and more or less just does everything that they can to hold you down, especially when you are doing everything in your power to get out and carve your own path.

That's kinda what I'm going through right now.

The other day my mom was talking to me about my recent decisions: to apply to Uni and start the next chapter in my life. She instead wants me to go to the old community college that I tried before and only made it a semester because living with my family, going through all the drama that was going on at that time was causing my grades and concentration to slip horribly. That along with other circumstances beyond my control. She also wants me to move into a house that she may be moving into soon and as nice as that would be I don't want to, I need my freedom and for her to let me go a little bit.  She's also worried that I'll get there, graduate and find a job that only pays $8 an hour and will eventually default on my loans. I won't let that happen. I'm smarter than she thinks. I know she's scared, because I am too but it's a good kind of scared. She's also worried about me finding a job when I move. I get where she's coming from, if  I move then I have to quit my job, I will be in slightly unfamiliar territory, I'll be experiencing a lot of new things that I have always wanted to but haven't yet had the chance to. But I'll be fine. Her and my dad raised me quite well.

I realize that my mom brings up valid points but I'm already more than halfway through the process and if they say yes then I'm going. I want to make her and my Dad proud but it's hard to make her proud when she won't even let me go due to her own fears.

Sorry, I had to get that out. I pray that tomorrow goes well for me! I need it to like a fish needs water.


xoxo