If only my life were a John Hughes movie.

Okay no more distractions! Just the alotted music and Facebook because um I'm an addict like 95% of Americans. Plus I wrote a really good status that I want to keep tabs on. Oh narcissism.

In my last post I said something along the lines of "During my night out my room mate text me to ask if I was coming home tonight. I don't know if she was assuming something or what but as far as I can gather so far because of the fact that I am not in a relationship with anyone right now and that I go on an occasional date now and then and meet new people that I am the equivalant of a Satist in their (my friend's boyfriend's and hers) eye's. I don't know nor do I care at this point because even though my life is not all fancy and all that jazz like their's has been for the past 5/6 months I don't care because I'm happy that I get to keep my options open." . Which got me thinking about the movie Easy A. Which I can relate to really well except for the fact that I haven't had any imaginary flings (let alone any real ones) with any guys lately BUT I do have a Marianne in my life who tends to be a little judgmental at times as to the way I live my "oh so scandalous life"

Sure my life is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but is any one's  really? I don't know how a series of roughly two dates or date equivalence  in my head have managed to make my roommate and probably her family think that I'm some (any of the words above) that let's a guy take advantage of me and that I have some major issues since losing my dad this year but I don't. I really don't, if anything I am just lonely and want some sort of companionship every now and then and since my friend is hardly ever home to hang out or do anything with nowadays I have to go to other friend's houses and hang out with them or I opt to stay longer at work to absorb that little bit of human connection. When I'm not at home I get my human connection through Twitter and Youtube because a lot of my friends from any of my school years or any just recently found friends live too far away for me to meet them or even hang out with them. 

Also, the other morning out of boredom and because there was nothing else on TV I watched PBS and they were showing a program called "The Science of Happiness" and apparently being lonely is as bad for your health as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day,who knew? 

Question time! How do you deal with your loneliness or if your not lonely but dating how do you deal with it when your friend(s) think that your becoming "out of control" even though you haven't done anything with anyone, or you have but it's been PG unless ya know you have been together for a while. 

Please help, any sort of advice will help me greatly right now! 

XOXO

The mystery has been solved!

Tonight was my first actual (I guess I could say that, there hasn't been confirmation) date in about six months. We met at a pool hall/restaurant and bar and attempted to play a game of pool but due to my crappy skills at the game he ended up playing the game by himself and we just chatted as he ended the game. The night continued on and it appeared that a connection was developing quite well, and as I more or less gave him my whole life story I began to realize something; I do this to every guy I meet, I tell them my whole life story as a sort of test to see whether or not they will bolt after that day/night or if they want to stick around someone as insanely complex as myself.

As I thought more about my revelation on the drive home it also made me realize that back in my teenage days I actually stayed with boyfriends for at least roughly 10-11 months. I didn't have to tell them my whole life story because my whole life story wasn't as bizarre and twisted as it has been up to this point. Sure I enjoy my independence but I'm only human and well I think The Smith's said it best..

During my night out my room mate text me to ask if I was coming home tonight. I don't know if she was assuming something or what but as far as I can gather so far because of the fact that I am not in a relationship with anyone right now and that I go on an occasional date now and then and meet new people that I am the equivalant of a Satist in their (my friend's boyfriend's and hers) eye's. I don't know nor do I care at this point because even though my life is not all fancy and all that jazz like their's has been for the past 5/6 months I don't care because I'm happy that I get to keep my options open. Now this is not a feminist crusade or anything I am just happy where I am right now in my life, and that I don't need a man to make me whole. Sure they help but when a great one comes a long then I'll be ready for him to come into my chaotic life 'til then I'm going to live it up.

Now that that is out of my system and I have stood on my soap box I'm going to finish my movie and eat my cake.

What are your feelings on being an independent person and dating freely vs. being in a committed relationship?

An early Christmas gift and an idea!

The other day I got a call, it was one of my uplines for a company that I am kind of a representative for. Maybe you have heard of it? Avon anyone? Anyways the call was to inform me that the HD Flip camcorders that were supposed to be the "big item" for this past month's campaign was going down in price ANOTHER 20 dollars or so! So since I have been wanting a camera for who knows how long. I ordered one for myself as an EARLY Christmas present to myself. It should be arriving sometime this week and with that my creative juices will start to flow!

Now for my idea! I know it's not a very original one because it has been done by Fiveawesomegirls,Vlogbrothers, and a few other awesome Youtube favorites but if this all works out like I'm hoping it will and goes down the way I see it in my head than I will be a very happy girl! I should probably give some sort of explanation now if you didn't watch the links but my brother who is thirteen lives about 45 minutes away from my house and since my old car wasn't always reliable enough to get to where he was and construction is always being done on I-35 I thought, "hey what if I give him a look into my life and what I do and see everyday and film it!" Hints the camera and now I want his guardians/my aunt and uncle to get him one too (hopefully they have internet access) and he and I can make videos for each other now and again! I'm so excited for my first one already because I have had the idea since I went to The Cancer Survivors Park of Kansas City. Also, apparently I don't know my own home town too well because I never knew it was there!

Question: Is there any special Christmas gift your hoping to get under your tree this year, and what is your favorite part of the holiday season?

Mine is the hot cocoa, family gatherings and the food that others and I make!

The Pros and Cons of being single (during the holidays)

It's that time of year again folks! Football games are in full swing, chili is being made by the gallon and couples every where are anticipating many firsts in the their relationships. Or some of the more seasoned couples are wishing they could do this. I on the other hand will be most likely feeding my internet addiction, visiting family and a few friends, and watching my DVD collection for the 2nd or 3rd time in a row. Lame right? I know! My increasing levels of lame never cease to amaze me so that is why I have decided to compile a list of Pros and Cons of being single during this lovely time of year.

Pro: You can eat whatever you want and not feel guilty about it.
Con: Right before Spring you start to feel a tad bit guilty about it.

Pro: You don't have to worry about buying any gifts for their side of the family (including just a bottle of wine)
Con: Not having anyone to cuddle up next to the fireplace with to drink cocoa.

Pro: You get full control of the remote, so all of those old school holiday movies that you love are yours for the enjoying.
Con: You get to cuddle on the couch with the cat or the dog.

Pro: You can make up excuses to leave a couple filled party and go do your own thing.
Con: At said parties you are reminded that you're still single.

Pro: You prep your car for the winter and show the car who's boss!
Con: A car smart guy is always a helpful friend to have around.

Pro: No one to keep you from having a great time!
Con: No one is there to stop you from having too much of a great time.

Pro: Your time and money is spent the way you want.
Con: Sometimes it's nice to surpise someone with little gifts and with your time.

Pro: You come home to your own thing.
Con: If you have had a bad day, you don't have anyone that is already there to comfort you.

So it seems that this has just become a general Pros and Cons list of the single life,which tends to be a very sharp double edged sword unless you have managed to snag a really, really great guy or girl and then in that case I wish you nothing but the best for days to come! :) If not then embrace the independence and the freedom that single life offers! Because being an independent and self sufficient member of society is a beautiful thing!

So what are some of your Pros and Cons about the single life, or if your in a relationship what are the Pros and Cons of it?

Have a lovely day/evening all!

xoxo

Independent Women, FTW! Until they meet a douche..( Beauty and the Beast syndrome at it's worst)

What do you do when your best friend of 5 years starts dating someone and your left behind and have become a substitute?

First off I really am happy for my best friend, she's been living the single life for quite some time and she has really shined through it all. She personified the term "independent woman". Sure she's struggled here and there, who hasn't? But she has always come out shining. I'm very proud to be able to call her my friend. But I am worried that she may be losing some of her luster.

I don't know if this has happened to you but I think that this is just ridiculous! **I'm about to be a little bitter and bitchy for a paragraph or two** I was here first, I was here for her when she needed me to kill the bugs that were in her way and to reach the things on the high shelves. Now I'm just the fill in if the boyfriend can't hang out for some reason. That's not how I roll. Especially since before he came along people used to ask us if she and I were sisters, SISTERS!
But the second he flashes his shiny car and they share their first kiss she's gone like I was never here! It really doesn't help that he thinks he's better than me just because he works at a hospital,drives a nice car,and is in school. But I have gone through more in my short life then he can ever imagine and I've worked for all that I have. This may be exaggerating the situation a little bit but it feels like every day she goes more and more into the dark side. We all know that good things never come to those that fully convert. Sigh. I'm sorry I just really,really needed to get this out. There's more but I'm not going to share it for personal reasons.

Also someone that calls his gay brother a "waste of space" and then calls themselves a "Christian" while doing so, needs some help. Most recently though he did something to me that totally messed up my night and I was not amused. He and my friend went out and a few days before I had just got my new (new to me) car and I heard a slam. I think I knew it was his doors when he came in and goes, "Nicole, um did you hear that noise? I accidentally thought my gas pedal was my brake. I'm sorry." I was a little more then mad at this point, even though in my head I knew that he didn't but I was still pissed off. He then came back to my door laughing and nonchalantly goes, "I was just messing with you Nicole, you should have seen your face!" All the while laughing and my room mate is nowhere to be found,I hope she makes him apologize to me. You just don't do that to someone that hasn't had many nice things (mainly cars) in their life. Maybe it's just me....

Thoughts?

So here's a little diddy for the man child (my friends bf)

Tell me, have you ever lost a friend to a significant other or felt abandoned by a friend?

P.S Let me make it clear, I'm not hot for the guy or jealous of my friend (if she's happy I'm happy,even if I think the guy is a jerk.) and right now I'm just seeing what's out there for me. I don't mind the single life. When someone is supposed to come into my life they will, until then I'm taking care of my stuff and waiting.

My attempt to put some hope in the hopeless.

It seems that my life seems to resonate quite well with the old addage "You don't know what you had until it's gone"; for example the ability to drive. Last week I was going to get my room mate's sister and take her to school but on the way I got into a car accident that totaled my car and severely bruised my ego and hands because before that fateful day things were going splendid for me. I was starting a new job, starting to get my insurance lower and more manageable as well as starting to see a chance of moving out into a place of my own. But my resilience and abundant amount of optimism only let me wallow for about an hour and a half. My dad's voice popped into my head repeating something to me that he had done for many a years and that was "Pull yourself up by your boot straps and go on with your life!" My dad was/is a very wise man, I know that he is deceased but he has never left my heart. :) So I did just that and so far things are already starting to look up, I have two jobs that I actually kind of like and my future is starting to look brighter everyday!

So if you are having a bad day,week,or month I just want to let you know that it will get better, you just need to have some patience and a great supportive group behind you and you will do just fine. If you don't have anyone that you can talk to about anything your going through that is particularly tough to deal with you can talk to me and I will try to help you as best I can.

This may help too: i hope this helps :) and hopefully this too. :)

Have a lovely day/night all!



XOXO

P.S I have been through a LOT in my life and while we all go through different things you never know what you and a stranger have in common until you talk.

Fangirling,New Endeavors and restored hope.

I have so much random thoughts going on in my head tonight that I literally can not pick one to focus on. It has been the craziest/most happiest day and the natural high of it is wearing off (I hate that part. I can almost relate to Jim Carrey in Yes,Man only Zooey Deschanel is not taking pictures of me. Now it's time for the run down:

-I got to sleep in and snuggle with my pillows an extra hour and a half this morning.
-I had the house to myself for the better part of the day, so I did a whole lot of nothing.
-Went to a place that I applied to the other day for an interview, was asked to come back later.
-Came home,read, spent way too much time online and pretty much just passed the time.
-Went back to the place, brought a spare resume and was told that I was "over qualified" for the job but they still want me anyways!
-I start next week by the way. :)
I then spent the rest of my night like I normally do on a Friday night and tuned into @PJCalamity's blogtv and had considerable more amounts of awesome loaded onto my day. Fangirling and all this day has been, dare I say it? Magical! I didn't even let the "Debbie Downers" and people that don't understand my weirdness and excitement over little things in life bother me. It was AMAZING!
Now I really should go to bed because my Saturday is going to start on an unfortunate earlier than desired note but I almost don't want this day to be wrapped yet. I want to pull out as much awesomeness that it will allow without having it come back and bite me tomorrow.

On that note, I'm gonna try to go to sleep or at least text someone until I do fall asleep, goodnight loves
XOXO

and a Happy Halloween!

I want to meet Mark Zuckerberg.

All right I'm not going to lie to you guys, I don't have a lot of friends and I will be the first to admit it. I will also admit that about maybe a third of the "friends" I have on Facebook and other networking sites I only know on a personal level. Some close friends and family are about the extent of who I talk to the most. The rest of the friends and acquaintances I have are mainly people from high school that I know by association or they just added me to raise their numbers. But I guess that now would be a great time for me to explain my title for this blog,I have just (okay now it's been like almost 2 hours) since I have returned home from seeing "The Social Network" which you should know the synopsis of, unless you live under a rock or just don't get out much.

I am going to have to go with all of the other critics and other reviews of the movie and say that it was awesome! Jesse Eisenberg was a great and totally believable Mark Zuckerberg if I have ever seen one and Andrew Garfield was totally on spot for Eduardo. I took a trip to Wal-mart last night mainly out of boredom and because I had watched most of the movies in my house. I was browsing the books when I came across "The Accidental Billionaires:The Founding of Facebook and my curiousity trumped logic because I bought it. I have just scratched the surface of it, but it has already roped me in.

I like quite possibly a lot of other people in this world found myself relating a little bit more than expected to Mr. Zuckerberg. I don't have the biggest group of friend's, one close one for the most part that has been by my side for a LOT. I'm super awkward like him too. Which not a bad thing, as much as society believes it to be. It can be I guess for some people but I've heard that it is usually the quiet ones that do great things. Because let's face it, what we lack in voice we make up for in smarts. On that note, I think that I have sufficiently embarrassed myself enough for this post. Til' next time!

xoxo

P.S If you could meet anyone who would it be and why?

this is your life, are you who you want to be?

Alright, I have been M.I.A long enough. I think that now is as good a time as any to write. I kind of feel like a modern-day Abe Lincoln writing by the flickering glow of a candle. Too bad Abe didn't have the internet and the ability to write sans quills and parchment (they used that at that time right?). I digress, yet I still don't know where to start...

*pause for the words to come to me*

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body"

-C.S Lewis

Have you ever felt that you were meant for something bigger and better then what you are stuck doing now? I don't know about you but I feel that on a regular basis. It kind of makes some sense after all I have been through in my young life you would think that maybe Karma or the big guy upstairs would give me a break or something. I have always lived by the Golden Rule and treat people how I would like to be treated, yes sometimes I fail to do so, or unintentionally treat someone the less than desired way. But that's why we are human. We are allowed to make mistakes even if others around us don't think that we should pursue one thing or another, but that's why "results may vary" is such a true statement. I think I deserve a little slack, at least a little more then I've had in the past.

The other day while out applying for jobs and trying to get some Avon orders I believe a miracle happened, I was filling out an application when a complete stranger walked up to me and started to chat for a minute or two. This stranger I believe was sent to me for a reason and that reason is: when all hope is lost never despair because answers do come soon. That day I was offered and opportunity that I feel very strongly about not turning down. I am now in the process of racking my brain to figure out a way to pursue this new endeavor even if others around me don't see it working out for me. When you have gone through all the things that I have gone through you start to become a pessimist wrapped up in a blanket of optimism, and this warmth and security will not be taken away! Life is too short to be overly pessimistic!



I think that about wraps it up for tonight..thank you to all that have been there for me through everything and continue to do so, I love you and you mean the world to me!

Also here's a list of fall/winter movies that I want to review for you all soon: The Social Network, It's Kind of a Funny Story, Red, Life as we Know it, Due Date, Jackass 3D,Never Let Me Go (some to be on DVD),Love and Other Drugs, Hereafter,Tangled, and Black Swan. I can't wait! I see more blog posts in the future once I get a chance to see these movies!

*Dating sabotical update: I'm doing good, except that an old friend from back in the day has come back into my life and old feelings have risen again so we are just talking for now and getting to know each other again. We'll just have to see where that goes! :)

XOXO

A lame excuse for a blog.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
-- My hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
-- My new navy blue one.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
-- Probably not.

4.Do you plan outfits?
-- Sometimes but they don't get worn.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
--Bored,sad,lonely,but also happy.

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
-- A coupon for CiCi's.

7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
--A-I-M

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
-- I forgot.

9. Did you meet anybody new today?
-- Nope.

10. What are you craving right now?
-- Affection,chinese,a job. LOL

11. Do you floss?
-- Not as often as I should.

12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
-- St. Patrick's Day!

13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
-- Forever a go.

14. Are you emotional?
-- Yes, my heart is on my sleeve.

15. Would you dance to the taco song?
-- I don't know the dance but I sadly know the song. It's from South Park correct?

16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
--No.

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
-- Lick.

18. Do you like your hair?
--NO! I miss my long pretty hair!

19. Do you like yourself?
-- Yes for the most part.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
-- Yes, Chad from Carolina Liar and the singer from Ludo.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
-- Yes just not a lot.

22. What are you listening to right now?
-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCgtqAsHwAE :/ my friend wanted to hear it...*hangs head in shame*

23. How many countries have you been to?
--Only USA as of now.

24. Are your parents strict?
-- A little, but not so much to me anymore.

25. Would you go sky diving?
-- No siree.

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
-- Senior yes.

27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
-- No that's a waste of potatoes.

28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
--Nope.

29. Have you ever been in a castle?
-- I've been to white castle

30. Do you rent movies often?
-- Nope I go see them.

31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
-- No one, I'm not in school yet.

32. Have you made a prank phone call?
-- Back in the day.

33. Do you own a gun?
-- Pacifists don't own guns, unless they shoot water or darts out of them.

34. Can you count backwards from 74?
-- 74,73,72,71,70...okay I'm bored, NEXT!

35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
-- Probably no one.

36. Brown or white eggs?
-- Both.

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
-- Yes.

38. Ever been on a train?
-- No but I want to!

39. Ever been in love?
-- A long time ago

40. Do you have a cell-phone?
-- yep

41. Are you too forgiving?
-- Yes, especially for people that don't even deserve it.

42. Do you use chap stick?
-- Yes.

43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
--Church then her boyfriend will probably sweep her away to go do whatever they do.

44. Can you use chop sticks?
-- Like a pro. :)

45. Ever have cream puffs?
-- Yes.

46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
-- Yes, but I want to see it again.

47. What was the last question you asked?
-- Can I have one of those?

48. What was the last CD you bought?
-- I think Ludo.

49. Boys or girls?
-- boys

50. What is your bus number for school?
-- I don't know.

51. Is your hair curly?
-- Yes :( It used to be long and pin straight, now it's curly and short. :/

52. Last time you cried?
-- The last time I talked about my dad.

53. Ever walked into a wall?
-- All the time.

54. Do looks matter?
-- Yes.

55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
-- I don't think so.

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
-- Yes.

57. Favorite time of the year?
-- Spring and Fall.

58. Favorite color?
--Purple and Green.

59. Are you sarcastic?
-- Your not?

60. Do you have any tattoos?
--Yes! I'm proud of it too.

61. The last person you held hands with?
--A guy named Omar.

62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
-- No, I'm a vampire. I love the dark.

63. Where was your default picture taken at?
-- At home on my brothers bed.

64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
-- No.

65. Do you like your life right now?
-- I guess

66. How often do you talk on the phone?
--

67. What is your favorite animal?
--My moms dog Truman.

68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
-- Food and magazine.

69. Do you have good vision?
--somewhat

70. Can you hula hoop?
-- Not for very long.

71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
-- No.

72. Do you have a job?
-- Sadly not at the moment, quit reminding me of my lameness!

73. Can you handle the truth?
-No.

74. What are you wearing?
-- I don't know you well enough to tell you that.

75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
-- My car window.

I'm gonna eat my weight in Phish Food

Tonight has been shitty. So shitty in fact that I came straight from the store on the way home to blog about how bad of a day I've had.

My brain is sooo fried right now that I don't even know where to start. Ugh. Sad face. Maybe I'll just do what all the smart kids are doing and start at the beginning.

The beginning: Today started like any other unemployed persons would, I woke up a little later than aimed, watched waves of grey mucky clouds roll in and drop a whole minutes worth of sprinkles on us. This will get better I promise, just hang in there. I have to relive some of the mundane before I get to the bad parts. For a couple of hours my best friend and I hung out and talked about places that I should apply to. I went to a few of them and sadly the three places that I managed to hit today only one was actually hiring. :/

The middle: I went to one of the places on my ever growing list of prospects and applied there (yay productivity!). Earlier in the day my mom called me and asked me to take one of my brothers to football practice and hang out with my other brother at home. Well apparently their night wasn't as good as I had hoped, I got lost driving to my brothers practice field and I probably made him late and I'm sorry for that but in my defense I don't drive the area by his practice field that much.

The end: I got to my moms house and made dinner for my brother and I, Tuna Helper-cheesy noodles with tuna. Let me just say that is not my best work but we ate it. I suppose we were both really hungry because it wasn't that great. I got that made and my brother ate two helpings and we hung out on the couch and watched a movie on the Disney channel so that he could wind down and get ready for bed. He finally got his teeth brushed and pajamas thrown on and he wanted to stay up until our mom got home. Butttt that didn't happen because that would throw off his whole schedule and would make him grumpy for school tomorrow, and we can't have that. He finally got laid down and while in the midst of that he also threw a fit because he had to follow rules. My capacity levels were starting to get overloaded by this point. By the time my mom finally made it home I was ready to go home myself...I headed home and inevitably because my night was already going so bad already it had to get just a little worse. I got on the highway and proceeded to go way past my exit onto an exit that takes me to my moms work.
I somehow managed to make it to my exit or a exit that would take me to where I needed to be going and what do you know it got me home. But first I had to make a pitstop at the grocery store and get some Ben and Jerry's so that I could eat my feelings for the night.

Okay I'm done for tonight, thank you for reading this far if you have.

xoxo

Lifes Little Ironies

Well it's been a while since I've been here, to actually write. The other times I've been on BS were to read the great HayleyGHoover's blog and Kristina Horner's.

On that note I suppose it's time to update everyone on 1.my dating sabotical,2. my life in general and 3. a little explaination of today's title. This may get a little Alanis Morrisette-ish. You've been warned.

For starters I was "let go" from my new "fabulous" job Friday morning, which sucked because the money was nice and the people were great too and I have no harsh feelings to anyone that works there because I gave it my all and it just was not the right fit for me, so it's okay. So to "celebrate" I went to a tattoo shop and dared myself to make an idea that's been in my head for 10+ years come to fruition and I did it! The irony of this situation is that I was fired and the "Learn to Fly" in the tattoo pertains to both the dearly departed on the scroll and myself.

**Also another irony is that one of the names on my tattoo is my dads and my best friends moms name is Tommie and my dads name is Tom and I feel the same amount of love from Tommie as my dad gave me.


Second, a majority of my weekends have been spent solo since my best friend has started hanging out with a guy friend of hers. I do have other friends but they too are out living their own lives and/or are several states away and lets face it my car will NOT make it that far. But the few that lives states away are always on call for me to whine and complain to when and if I need it,which is a lot lately. I love them so much for it too. But while my friends are out and about having fun I tend to stick to the house on the internet doing absolutely nothing constructive or going to movies alone watching other people. I'm not complaining...entirely but yes to be invited to something with anyone but myself would be fun! That brings me to my update of my dating sabotical.

Well for starters as soon as I started it I was asked to hang out with a guy and for some reason I said yes, even though it was kind of breaking the rules right from the get go. BUT I did tell him that I'm not for anything right now and that I just wanted to be friends....I thought he understood that just fine until he tried to kiss me while dropping me off at my car...and the second time we hung out guess what?!? He tried it again!
So last night I went to see The Switch,which was a really cute movie by myself....I didn't feel so bad when I saw that I wasn't the only person there solo. I was just the only one under 30. After getting home from the movie and unloading groceries I got online to talk to my best friend that lives in California and we covered our usual conversation topics:loneliness,being unemployed and how much it sucks,depression and our coping mechanisms, what's new in your neck of the woods? and what not. Sometime during that exhilarating conversation I just started to break down and fall apart like the cool smoothness of a mirror that has been shot at one to many times. I honestly could have really used a hug and some human connection at that time that wasn't spanned across the United States. Because I was the only one home besides the dogs and while they are great for listening and showing affection they would not suffice for what I have been craving for quite some time now. But like the "courageous" person that I am I picked myself up and brushed off the dirt and went on with my night.

So yes that folks is my update for the time being...I shall return soon for another update and it will be more cheerful then this one.

xoxo

A hopeless romantics romantic-less challenge.

Well hello there dear readers and passerbys, I've got quite the story for you all tonight but first a short disclaimer.

*These views and opinions are purely mine and if you take any offense to what I may write, I'm sorry ahead of time and this is something that I am choosing to do for me and may not be for everybody.** Enjoy!

Last weekend I was hanging out with my best friend, we did our usual weekend ritual-see a movie, eat out or just go walk around somewhere aimlessly and see who if anyone of us spends the most money and who holds back. Except that later in that weekend we both had dates, she on Friday night and myself on Saturday night-granted hers was planned a week or so ahead of time, whereas mine was very spontaneous.

Anywho Sunday evening after we went to see Ramona and Beezus we came back to her house so that she could get ready for her churches concert with the kids she teaches, while waiting for her to get ready to go I browsed her moms bookshelf not really expecting to find anything but something jumped out at me called, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and while this is not usually a book that I would be drawn to so heavily something about it and the "date" I had the preceding night made me want to borrow it.

I started reading it that night and started to give my own love life a good long look. I have never really been one to go out and date guys "recklessly" I have only had a total of two serious boyfriends in my life and that's fine with me. I haven't ever really needed any man in my life to support me other then my dad and my godfather and other men like that. The date the night before was my first in 7 or so months and I am considering the date more of just a trial run to see if I was ready to get back into the dating world. It appears I wasn't and as I said before, that's fine with me. I couldn't put the book down this whole week and when I had to I was itching to read more of it because it kept giving me the support,advice and direction that i had been void of in the past few months. Granted, I was already on the right path that this book was opening for me more or less already but I gathered that it is okay to be single (even though I have been for 3 years now) and it is possible to have a relationship with a guy without it turning into a dramatic made for the movies kind of situation. I finished the book tonight and sent my best friend a text telling her my new plan and to give her mom a big hug from me. I also decided to go ahead and challenge myself with the not quite newly found lifestyle and see if I can find myself along the way too.

The rules of The Plan-(inspired by I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

• I will not go on any more dates, until I am emotionally, mentally, and financially ready for a serious relationship.
• When I do choose to start dating again, I don't know if it will be to lead to marriage or not, since I'm not sure if I want to get married yet.
• I will not let another guy distract me from the already full plate of things I have in front of me already to get over.
• I will strengthen myself as a person and my relationships with others around me.

I will be able to have relationships with guys but nothing further then friends.
Those are just the rules for so far, I plan to begin my dating sabotical on August 1st and as of now it is indefinite on when it will end but I do know that I will be given someone that is very special and is meant for me one day. Updates will be coming monthly on my progress on all things big and small, (finances, faith,relationships,and anything else that may come to mind.)

This is going to be a little like Eat,Pray, Love but without the travel and gurus, but I'm welcoming this challenge with an open heart and mind so that I can see what exactly is in my heart that I should be seeing and listening to.

XOXO

Dirt on my almost cleaned heart and mind.

Right now seems as good a time as any to write. Especially since all that I have on my mind is doing more harm to my body then my cancer ever did. We are all faced with life changing decisions on a daily basis and right now dear friends are readers I need some advice on this current decision I have to make...if you want to comment it is appreciated, if not the fact that you even read this is appreciated as well.

Ok I think I have the words for this. I have just moved back into my old neighborhood and I am staying with a family friend and I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to stay here or go with my mom and my brothers into a small two bedroom apartment. Being the slightly organized person that I like to think I am I made a list of pros and cons for each place and my family's side had more cons then pros, sadly. Just when things were starting to maybe kind of look up for me my dear old friends Depression and Confusion had to track their muddy footed selfs into my slightly mess free mind and heart.

Right now I am trying desperately to figure out what I should do and how to tell my mom and brothers if I decide to stay with my neighbor. I don't think that it would break their hearts if I decided not to move in with them, because this weekend was my time to "sleep on it" and that is essentially what I did. But thankfully work is a great place for me to be stuck inside of my head EVEN more so than I am already on an everyday basis so I can figure out how the conversations with both my mom and my current "roommate" are going to go, and hopefully they go over smoothly. I'd like that be the glowing red EXIT sign for my two unwelcome friends to go to and leave my already damaged self alone.

Ok I think that this is all that I can write for now.

XOXO and thank you for any advice anyone may leave.

Hey its Cate, and Nicole offered me a guest spot!! YAY

Hello, My name is Cate and im a 20 year old single mother, and today I'm going to write about something that has been weighing on my heart for a very long time. Please bear with me as I can not spell and I ramble all the time! Okay So here I go!!!


Teenage mothers, This topic seems to get everyone riled up for some reason or another, and it gets me fired up. I became pregnant at 18 years old and had a beautiful baby boy named Brycin Lain Rivera on June 22nd 2009, at the age of 19. Most people my age tend to party and not grow up even if there is a child involved, and that breaks my heart. If you are not ready or even open to the possibility of having children, then DON'T HAVE SEX. And if for some reason you do wind up with child, then do the responsible thing, and give the child up for adoption if you chose not to be a responsible mother. It is in my firm belief that people my age are having babies just to have them and then neglect them. I used to have a friend on facebook that made me cry every time I saw her status about how she would party the night away. I wonderd where her beautiful baby boy would be while she was out getting wasted. This is not okay, when you chose to bring a baby into this world you chose to grow up, not contuine what you would normally do as a teenager. I could go on and on about how messed up that is but I also have something else to discuss on this topic, Finish school ladies, dont be another number in a long row of failures, make something of yourself, dont become a person dependent on government aid. Now Im not trash talking the women who need the help, but take the school aid offerd by the government, and make something of your self. It makes me sick to see 16 year old girls with babies and NO highschool education. Now I graduated Highschool and have one year of college compleate and I wouldnt be able to do any of this with out my support system. It is almost impossible to get ahead if you dont have some kind of help. I understand this. But dont settle, go out and do SOMETHING anything be a mother that your children can be proud of.

And since I've talked about how young mothers should conduct themselves let me tell you about the teenaged fathers
BOYS- If you make a baby, you take care of that child. You do not reooeat history, if your father bailed on you why would you inflict that pain on another child, and why would you disrespect your mother, you would clearly understand the struggles that she went through being a single mother why put another woman through that? It drives me crazy. And If your father was an amazing father and played ball with you when he could and provided a stable envoirment then then why wouldnt you do the same for your child. Any jerk can make a baby but it takes a man to be a father.


So teenagers, and even adults, if youre going to make a baby CARE for that child. It makes me sick to see all of you neglecting your children and one day youre going to regret it when they want nothing to do with you.


**Im not a writer and I cant spell I am very sorry for all the spelling errors and rambles lol**



Thanks for Reading Ladies and Gents. Much love to you all.


Be safe and healthy and I wish nothing but the best for you all!!


<3 Cate.

A Letter From God

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone;

to have a deep,

full relationship with another;

to be loved

thoroughly and exclusively.

But I say no. Not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by me alone.

With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me is to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

I have you my child. Until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that i have planned fo

r you.

You will not be united with another until you are united with me; exclusively of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning and stop wishing. Allow me to bring that person to you. Just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep listening and learning the things i tell you. Just wait, thats all. Don't be anxious, don't worry, and don't look around at the things you think you wan

t. You just keep looking up to me or else you will miss who i have for you.

When you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful than you would ever have dreamed of. You see, until you are ready and until the one i have for you is ready and until you are both satisfied, exclusively with me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me. This is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have wonderful love. I want you to see int eh flesh a picture of your relationship with me, and enjoy union of beautiful perfection and love that i offer you with myself.

Please, know that I love you utterly.

Believe it and be satisfied.

With all my love,

God

This little light of mine..

I think that I am starting to figure things out...FINALLY! I know that this is a loaded statement but as of lately in between all of the craziness that I have been faced with I have seen hints of light trying to break through.

So lets see what has gone on since the last time I wrote? Well my aunt and uncle (mainly my aunt) kind of told me that I needed to go back to live with my mom and my brothers, which I was going to try and do but I found that her and my brothers are moving across town. But I did find another place to live and today I situated most of my room and I'm very happy about that and thankful that the person I will be living with allowed me to move in with her.

Lets see... I have been at my job for almost a month and I am learning something new every day and I'm faced with many a challenges daily but I love it. A good challenge always does a heart good. Speaking of challenges I started talking to a guy and then shortly stopped talking to him, haha, BUT before you start to say mean things you have to believe me when I say I have my reasons and when something just doesn't feel right avoid it like the plague! I have also been focusing on listening to my gut and intuition when it tells me things and so far I think that I have been doing rather well with it. Even if old habits die hard, I'm attempting to kick that one to the curb for good.

So on the fourth of July my best friend and I celebrated our independence the only way to celebrate, we attempted to see a light show BUT it rained so we went back to her house after driving around for awhile and watched movies and just had a glorified girls night, I adore and cherish my best friend she has been there for me through well, everything.

Ok dear readers, whoever you are I think that that is all I can muster right now.

XOXO

Have a great day :)

Daddy's Little Girl just a little more grown...

It has been a month now since my dads passing and I would like to inform everyone of the massive changes that have happened to me in that somewhat short amount of time.

For starters, I moved out of my moms house and into my aunts and uncles, it was very abrupt and more or less undecided until I had been staying longer then originally planned. But so far it has been very good and otherwise a good decision, no matter how rash it may have seemed at the time. (even though 85% of my stuff is still at my moms)

I am now employed and even though I just started I like my job a lot.I feel like a million bucks because for once in my life it seems things are finally going the right way for me, and this feeling is something that I think everyone deserves to have in their lives.

Back to the subject of my dad, I was talking to my aunt a few nights ago about the grieving process and how I haven't really done that yet. I know that I need to and I will, but I think that I kind of accepted it while it was happening and so I haven't really done that whole thing but every now and then I have my triggers and I suppose they help. I think that my dad may have had a little part in what has happened in the past month for me and to me and I thank him and the big guy upstairs for it every day. Also this weekend is my dads birthday, he would have been 50 and I'm thinking about going to his grave to go wish him a happy birthday and to talk to him. I think that no matter how old I get and what goes on in my life that I will never stop being "daddy's little girl".

On that note I wish everyone a happy and safe fourth of July!

XOXO

It's been a rough month....

Okay I've been sitting here with this screen opened long enough, it's time for me to get some writing done there are after all a ton of things rolling around in my head that I need to get out and into another form other then keeping them bottled up in my head. So here goes!

Okay well to start off I am sadly not opening this blog on a happy note, in the last week of May my aunt called me in somewhat of a panic about my dad. I had just talked to him the night before and asked him if I could come out to his house to see him because well for one I hadn't been out to see him since Christmas of last year and he was diagnosed with throat and liver cancer in about January. But when I called him the night before he informed me that his doctor had told him that the chemo he had had done all that it could and that they were going to try and give radiation a chance because by that time his cancer had spread to his bones in his lower body. Moving on... my aunt and I got to his house that Friday and as soon as I walked in the door to say hi to him I stopped in my tracks and just hugged my godfather..my dad was skin and bones. I hate this comparison but he reminded me of one of those pictures of a Holocaust victim that you see in high school history books.

My aunt my dads best friend and a bunch of other people including my brother and I helped my dad take his meds and make him feel as comfortable as possible. After almost two weeks of my aunt and myself being there and meeting with his nurse and a grief counselor for my brother and I my dad passed the night my aunt and I left. Six days ago my family and I buried my dad in Kansas City next to my stepmom.

I guess on a lighter note my birthday was last weekend, I am now officually an "adult" I have been waiting for this day for years and while the week before made it a little sullen that's okay.

Everything happens for a reason.

P.S I left a lot out because I couldn't write it or my order got messed up in my head and from there I want to keep it private I suppose.

I hate when I get like this.

I have just sent a few text messages and IM's out to a few friends of mine that are more of less complaining of one thing. Loneliness and my overwhelming amount of it right now, I'm not sure why it has chosen to hit me at 12am when I am supposed to be deep in a REM sleep. But loneliness is just one of the many things on my list of "things that keep me awake at night" and right now I really hate myself for feeling it so heavily. I don't know if it was brought on by the characters in the book I just finished or the fact that it's about to start storming at any given moment or the fact that my cat went MIA this afternoon and hasn't come back yet or what. Whatever it is, I need to figure out a way to stop this increasing insomnia.

I feel like a shitty excuse for a daughter and sister to my dad and brother because I haven't called to check in on them in about two weeks,and I haven't been out to see them in almost six months and my dad is barely hanging in there I'm sure. I hate that I'm here and he is there fighting for his life and I can't even find a ride out there to see him because I'm too busy helping my mom out with things that are more of her responsibility then mine. What if I had never left his house back when my stepmom killed herself and I had stayed with the man that practically raised me into the woman I am today. Would my mom and former stepdad still be married? Would I have even had cancer? Would I be finishing up my schooling and getting ready to dive headfirst into a career? Or would I still be as I am now,jobless, more or less carless and a nanny/maid for my mom and brothers?

Nevermind the fact that yes, I am a little jealous of a few of my friends for moving forward in their lives while I just am stuck like a bump on a log and don't appear to be going anywhere in much of a hurry. I'm sorry if this seems like I'm throwing myself a pity party here but I'm not. Pity partiers don't break down in tears halfway through a blog post. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for my friends and I support them (I really do) but I just wish that I was moving forward right along with them. Another thing that sucks is that my best friend and I seem to be getting some distance between us and we used to be likethis and she's one of my "persons" and well it just sucks not having her around as much to talk to, especially when she doesn't do something as simple as text back. I know she's busy and has a life but I just miss our closeness and almost sister like presence. But as everyone and their mother keeps telling me, "Good things come to those who wait". Well how much longer do I have to wait?

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so lonely and wanting someones arms around me when I'm surrounded by people that love and support me every day, I have been through A LOT of hardship in my life and have beaten through it with flying colors. One of the things that my mom has taught me and has pressed on my for quite some time now is that you don't need a man around when you can do the same things that they can do and provide for yourself. While that may be true since I have seen her do it on her own for so long and I have been more or less doing the same (at least trying to). It gets old and stale and you eventually forget how to love another person like that and 20 years down the road you start collecting cats. Right now I am just craving someones arms to be wrapped in and the warmth of another body by my side protecting me for just a little while and not passing judgement on me or anything like that.

Okay I think that now that the tears have mostly dried and slight fatigue is starting to set in that it is time to once again try to fall asleep.

Oh, and the book that inspired this loneliness is The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. You should check it out.

Night all and thank you for reading my rant and congrats to making it to the end!

XOXO

In the words of....

I think the title speaks for itself.

Pat Benatar- I Need A Hero

The Smiths- Please,please, Let Me Get What I Want

Foo Fighters-Learn to Fly

Jordin Sparks-One Step at A Time

Natasha Bedingfield- The Rest is still Unwritten..

Grits- My Life be Like

The Ting Tings- Shut up and Let Me Go

No Doubt- I'm Just a Girl

Muse- Time is Running Out

Matisyahu-One Day

Lily Allen-Fuck You

John Mayer- Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Death Cab for Cutie- The Ice is Getting Thinner

Carolina Liar- Show Me What I'm Looking For

Cage the Elephant- Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Adele-Chasing Pavements

Tegan and Sera- Where Did the Good Go?

Get what you want from this post...comments are always welcome :)

XOXO

The Great Perhaps

It has come to that point in my life where I am at the proverbial "fork in the road" of my life, my choices are either pray like hell that I get the job in Iowa and move in with my aunt and uncle which would be cool but I have a lot of family and friends here that I would miss a lot. Orrrr I could keep trying like hell to get a job down here, and make sure it's a good one and try to go back to school at a community college again and see where life takes me from there.

At this point I'm just confused and want something good to happen (like a job) so that I can pick up where I left off and get my life in order and go from there. So heres to hoping....

At this time in my life I kind of feel like a loser, even after all I have been through I sometimes just don't feel like I'm quite up to par with most people my age. If I had known about Drake University before I enrolled into the community college by my house then who knows where I would be now. I would be on the fast track to graduation and getting a job and starting my career and setting some roots down somewhere.

But I know that everything happens for a reason, I just want to know what that reason might be.

Nerdfighters!

On my nightstand sits a true sign of nerddom, I have 4 new books from the library and one of my own to sink my teeth into. I can't wait either! I'm hoping I guess that my weekend will either be really sucky and boring or long and relaxing. "But why did you get so much books?" you may or may not be asking yourself and my answer to that is quite simply, for the escape. I like Alaska in Looking for Alaska by John Green have a "Life Library" I find random and sometimes books that I really want and if I don't read them now then I plan on reading them in the future when I'm old and grey.

I'm sorry that my blogs lately have been increasingly boring and sparse but my life hasn't been too exciting lately.I'm still doing the same things I do every day, babysit,clean, look for a job, spend WAY too much time on the computer (yes, some of it is productive! This is my case in point. ) I will admit though I am blessed and very grateful for the people and the things that I have in my life. I love them all even if I don't get around to see them as often as I'd like or if I don't tell them nearly as enough as I need to. I'm hoping that eventually my blogs will be a little more enjoyable to read. I need a good adventure or something, oh and for my camera to magically work again!

Ok, that is all I have for now. Sorry for the lack of interesting happenings today. Maybe I should have a guest writer one day?

OK XOXO kiddies

Let the countdown begin!!

I have noticed something since I have been in remission and that is that I have been letting myself go! Not so much mentally as much as physically, ever since my surgery that was way back when in August of '09. After my surgery and during my chemotherapy my weight has fluxuated like a freaking bouncy ball. And so my mission to halt the weight rollercoaster I'm going to start exercising more and getting my body back into the shape that it was meant to be! Yes, I will admit that this new mission is partially due to pressure from the media and a little from the people around me. To motivate myself more, my 21st birthday is in about a month! I have big plans for that night even though it is a Sunday :/ but I do plan on having as much fun that night as I can and I plan on looking as great as I can from that day on. My goal for my birthday is to fit into a really cute outfit and to fell great about myself and of course to celebrate the next chapter of my life and the fact that I have made it this far.

XOXO

Heaven

This week I have rediscovered the library and all of it's otherwise undiscovered treasure before. Earlier in the week I took my brother there after he got done with preschool and we both picked out a few books, he choose a hefty load of holiday books and a manga book that he can't even understand but he's 5 and wanted to be like his big sister, as for me I randomly grabbed two books off of the shelves. I started the only one that captured my attention that day and finished it yesterday night. I happen to love the kind of books that you just want to ingest for hours on end and stay up into the wee hours of the morning til it's done.

Today we hit the library again and this time I came out with a massive amount of literature in tow, and yet I still feel like I need more. It seems like all that I have been doing today and yesterday has been reading and I will be the first one to tell you that that would be a perfect life for me,a highly non realistic one but one I wouldn't mind having nonetheless.

Earlier today in need of a serious break from my family and more time to myself and with nature I decided to take my dog for a walk to a now very important place in my heart. I made my way down the broken slices of sidewalk to the neighborhood behind mines walking trail/lake area to a spot in the grass that looked perfect for my intended purpose. I took a seat in the lush green grass with the sun hovering me and kissing me with just enough sunlight to keep me happy and escaped into Secret Scribbled Notebooks-one of the books on the mountain I currently plan on conquering this weekend. It was so beautiful, the lake reflecting the sun like a mirror for the gods, the grass shooting to the sky like hands reaching for something better. I was in heaven, my newer heaven...the still current but hardly visited one is any bookstore on this planet! I've tried to apply to bookstores and libraries but for some reason they just won't hire me. It's a little disheartening but there's a reason for everything. Ok off to escape some more.

XOXO

I wish I was a Gilmore Girl

Ever since my mom has started working and I still have yet to be employed my mom has taken FULL and complete advantage of me and any sort of a life I dream of having. Ok, yes I do have it good because I live here rent free and she pays my cell phone bill for me but I really, really, REALLY need to get out of this house and start building a life of my own. Last I was told my place in her life is 'daughter' NOT crutch/maid/nanny. I understand that yes while I have no job that this is helpful for her since she is employed but I have been trying like hell to get out and apply but 1.) I am not taking my brother with me to an interview or to fill out a job application, I'll look like a mother that can't control her unruly kid. 2.) Everytime I ask to use her car while she's home and not using it, she "doesn't hear me" or I can use her car as long as it is to get my brothers from somewhere or to run her errands. Suffice to say I really wish that I had a job (preferably in Iowa with my aunt), a better working insured car, and my own place far away from here. If only a place like Stars Hollow existed....

I was watching Gilmore Girls today and there is something about that show that I have always loved. I don't know if it's the fabulous writing, the amazingly dynamic relationships that the characters share or the fact that I wish I had the kind of amazing relationship and life that Lorelai and Rory share with my mom. Sadly as much of a fan as I am of the show I only own season 7 of the series and there is only 7 of them! I need the rest of them as well as all of the seasons of Sex and the City, and Glee and soo many other shows among the hundreds of books that I wish I had. I'm not really a materialistic person but I adore books and movies and music and cover art and the general capturing of a moment in time that is there to stay forever.

Ok folks I think that that is all for now, it's late and I have had a long day/week/month/year even! I can't wait to get out of here.

Goodnight/morning loves.

XOXO

Shoutouts are awesome!

Alright well since tonight sleep may not so easy to come by, (even though I'm slightly tired)I am currently WAY too excited at the moment to sleep.

I, like a few other people I know tend to get just a little bit overzealous about tiny things in life but to me this one was big! Tonight while catching up on my blog reading list I noticed two new blogs from one of my favorite bloggers/YouTubers/Tweeters- Hayley G Hoover-( sorry I don't know how to make it a fancy link thingy) she is also my inspiration to start vlogging, but as of yet I don't have a video camera or the hutzpah to break my camera shyness. Don't get me wrong, I love the other four of the fiveawesomegirls but Hayley was the girl that I happened to come across first and for some reason she has been the one that I feel the most kinship with. I know that her and I have no idea who each other are or anything like that but to me she is on my list of favorite writers,right along up there with John Green! Even if she isn't an published writer I still adore her and her writing inspires me to want to do more of my own and learn new things and have more awesome adventures every day.

Getting to the point.....

In one of her latest blogs she asked her readers to fill out a survey about her blog and tell a little about ourselves, I told her that I had recently been diagnosed with, battled and beat cancer. Her response-"**Especially you, Nicole. I've never endured anything in my life that could compare to beating cancer. You are amazing."- Hayley G Hoover

Truth be told I would have never in a million years thought that someone that I adore and admire like her who has tons of fans would ever get around to reading, let alone making a shout out on their own blog to someone like me. Ok I probably sound like a nutbar wrapped in a fruit roll up but I can't help but be excited.

So thank you Hayley and keep up the good work in all you do. :)

Learn to Fly

So a couple weeks ago my family and I went to visit my aunt and uncle in Des Moines and my aunt volunteered some very helpful information to me about a job that she knows about that will be available this fall at her office,which is now in Iowa. I came home and did some research about schools up there and I am very interested in the job that she could possibly help me get and the schools and all around enviroment up there.

I'm pretty sure that my aunt my aunt is a Godsend, and God love her the woman has been through so much and she still wants to help her struggling to get back on her feet niece. I just hope that through her connections I can get the job, now I know that having a family member helping you to get a job through their connections in the company isn't really the best idea but then again maybe sometimes it can be. I'm hoping that this time will be one. I'm sorry if my recent posts have been boring lately but to be honest my life for the past year has been pretty boring. Today is the one year anniversary of me being unemployed and if you have ever been unemployed and for longer then a couple to six months then you know how much this totally sucks for me. I have some crazy cabin fever going on and the fact that I have no money to my name and an ever decreasing sense of independence when most people my age are living their lives and finding themselves more.

I am almost sure that once I get a job again and my past debts paid off and present situations taken care of then everything else in my life will fall into place and hopefully things will fall into place for my mom and brothers too once fall comes back around. I'm ready to gain my wings and fly away, and as one of my favorite Foo Fighters songs goes

Run and tell all of the angels

This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

And I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly

I think I'm done nursing patience
It couldn't wait one night
I'd give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything is alright...

In other news....

I saw the movie "Remember Me" with a friend of my ex and it was sooo good, the movie and the company I think that my otherwise undecided opinion about Robert Pattinson was cemented once I saw the movie. It is filled with just enough romance and raw emotion that it can be quite relatable. I cannot wait for it to come out on DVD, I'm gonna watch it like a Twihard watches the Twilight movies. xD

Ok well I can feel my eyelids starting to get heavy as bricks and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, even though it is Spring Break so goodnight all.

XOXO

Looking out for numero uno.

Well yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up, actually I think that it was already over before it was "official". But that is okay, I've learned a lot from that little for lack of a better word-spliel (sp?). I think that its now time for me to focus a whole lot more on myself,plus I have a whole life ahead of me to date and actually find someone worthy of holding my heart for safe keeping. Even if I did think that he deserved it when he hadn't even shown me his true colors.

Heartbroken is not the word, its more like disappointment. Though I should be used to broken promises from guys. "I'll be with you through it all,I promise." He was never there half the time when I needed him. I think this month I only saw him about a grand total of 6 hours or so. That's not how relationships work even if you are busy! A little contact would be awesome! More then a couple hours on IM's too,hearing each others voices does wonders for a relationship when you can't be together. If you "don't like to talk on the phone." then suck it up and call the one you supposedly love. If you don't want to be with the person your with don't be a dick and not contact or make any attempt to see your loved one. Grow some balls, be a man and tell her that you aren't into her anymore. Simple as that!!

When I was first diagnosed the guy that I was seeing then lived an hour away and he came to see me whenever possible and if he couldn't make it then he would at least call and talk to me for a little bit. Granted eventually we mutually broke it off because he got too busy and my life was more or less hanging in the balance so he bailed because he was scared but I digress. My point is that he actually put in effort to see me and we made each other happy.

Now I'm continuing the search for a job which I may have a lead on one and get back to school and get my independence back slowly but surely. I just have to keep my faith and take things one day at a time, and as the saying goes-There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Ok I think that I have said my peace for now and got everything that I have needed to off my chest. Time to power on and seek better things for myself in this life.

XOXO

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

To be completely honest with you I kind of forgot how difficult some relationships can be. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a stable relationship in a good 2 years! I'm so out of practice with this type of thing sometimes. Like all relationships there's good days and bad days and sadly it seems like we have had a bit more bad days then I have wanted. I thought that the beginning of a relationship was supposed to be the "lovey dovey" time. Our first two months have been SUPER hard!!
But as the saying goes "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." well I'm going off of that and hoping that all the hardships that he and I have been through will in fact make us stronger, I don't want to lose him. I do know that it doesn't help that I have some things that are currently against me but I am going to get things figured out and get my life back on track. Maybe then hopefully things will go smoother for us. But hopefully sooner then later...I have hope though that we will get through this tough time. I just think that as of now we just need some one on one time without any other distractions.

In other news...

Alrighty then it's time to update I think, at least until Sex and the City comes on. I have some good news to share with you all. I didn't share it the day I got it because I was too overcome with excitement I could barely walk,yes it was that good!!

On Febuary 5,2010 I had a doctors appointment with my oncologist and he told me that I was in remission!! My chemotherapy worked for the most part! I was so happy I almost cried,granted they would have been tears of joy which would be good since I could use a good cry now and then. Now I can work more on getting a job and getting back to school sooner or later. I've been applying like crazy too I'm just praying for the calls and interviews to coming into play. I want to work so bad! I miss making money and having my own bills paid by my own money. I know that soon enough these things will fall into place, and I can't wait for that day.

My dads health is doing fairly well, he is having some trouble getting used to chemo side effects. If I was there I would be helping him out and making recipes out of the "Living with Cancer" cookbook that a near and dear friend let me borrow when I was diagnosed. Granted I never used it sadly, but I did mark a lot of recipes I wanted to try.But thankfully my aunts and uncles and others are there helping him and my little brother out. I'm very thankfull for them too. I would be there if I could believe me, and I plan on going there for a week or so the first chance I get.

Well this day has been fun!

I'm bored, so I guess that I will write at least whatever I can. No promises tonight folks.



So I'm sitting in my room finishing off a bag of conversation hearts and listening to music and distracting myself also with the Mrs. Congeniality waiting for my boyfriend to show up. It's been WAY too long since we have seen each other. sadface. I'm starting to hate the musy words on these damn hearts mainly because I don't have anyone to share them with.I will do everything in my power to make this Valentine's Day at least a little great! Granted my power is very minimal at this time that's all fine and dandy because I'm pretty resourceful as it is so we shall see what happens on that day.



Wanna hear what I did today? Of course you do!



Well first off my mom and I dropped off my brothers and some neighbor's kids off at school. My mom and I went to the bowling alley with our neighbors and had so much fun even though we got our butts handed to us. It was still fun. My thumb and fingers still kind of hurt, it was still worth it though. Shortly there after we had lunch and I had some delicious french toast! :) The rest of the day was pretty fun too boringish but fun to be out of the house for more than an hour at a time. Now it is almost 9pm and yet still no Alex :(( I know that he is busy with homework and stuff and I hope that if he can't make it tonight that he can maybe make it tomorrow on his day off, and possibly for most of the day? That would be great! I really do miss him that much too! Man I forgot how difficult relationships can sometimes be when one person doesn't have a car that is insured or reliable. I know that I certainly hate it! I could be doing so much more if my car was insured and reliable. In due time I know.

I love that my boyfriend will steal wifi from a restaurant close to my house just to live up to his word at 11:35 at night just to hear good news from me and get a goodnight kiss to end his terrible day! Only to know that we will see each other tomorrow afternoon! I'm tickled pink right now. :)

The loves of my life....

In honor of it being Valentine's Day soon and everyone is starting to get all gushy and mushy with their loved ones I decided that I should follow Hayley G. Hoovers lead and tell you all what hold the nearest and dearest to my heart.

-The discovery of finding a new song that not a lot of people around you may know, and loading it on my ipod to dance around my room like a crazy person.

-Getting back more and more everyday into a routine and schedule even if I stay up later then meant to I still get up when my alarm rings.

-The way my cat jumps into my arms and makes himself a little ball by my chest whenever I'm asleep.

-Getting lost in a good book when it's nasty outside and feeling like no one can touch me where ever I am.

-Having a best friend that I know is legitamitely there for me as I am for her without any if, and's or but's about it. I couldn't ask for anyone better for a best friend either.

-The way he looks at me and all the bad in the world and in my life seems to fade away, even if for a moment.

-I love that at 11:30 at night my boyfriend is stealing wifi from a restaurant so that he can talk to me and drop by for 10 minutes to hear good news and share a good night kiss to end his crappy day,only to know that I will be seeing him again tomorrow afternoon. :)

-I love that my hair is growing back more and more every day, and slowly turning back into my old self and feeling more and more comfortable in my skin again.

-That I applied for a school and have more or less got in, just need to figure out financial stuff then I may be going back A.S.A.P!

-That I'm writing again either on here or in a private journal as well as reading more and more.

-I love that even though I haven't asked my mom bought me a box of my favorite cereal and that I really do appreciate her for everything that she does for me and my brothers.

-That I can feel my dad's strength whenever I talk to him on the phone and hoping that my good news will inspire him not to be scared in his battle.

-That with all the support and prayers things in my life are starting to look up, and hopefully things will be getting progressively better for my dad and brother.

-my friends,family,and other supporters especially Alex who has been behind me before he even knew me in this battle.

I wish you all a Happy un-cliched Valentine's Day.

XOXO

This is just how I feel..right now.

As I get older more and more of my friends are having kids and getting married and I'm very happy for them and wish them the best of luck with all my heart and that they have happy lives. But I on the other hand I am still testing the waters and trying to figure out what I do or don't want out of my life....in a nutshell this blog is going to be about children. And the reasons that I have now for not particulary wanting any.

The first and foremost reason is cancer. It has been running in my family and I don't want to pass it on to my kids. I wouldn't wish cancer of any kind to anyone not even my worst enemy.

My brothers are birth control enough,don't get me wrong I love them and I know that boys will be boys and all that but I don't want 'em. Sorry Mom and Dad.

Some people are really going to hate me for this last one but I want to live a slightly selfish life. I want my own independence,my own space and everything else that comes with it. If I do manage to find someone that loves me for who I am and everything else and decides they want to marry me then sure I think that I might accept,especially if I'm at the age that I see myself getting married. I just want my dad to walk me down the aisle.

If I do marry someone that does want kids and I end up wanting them as well, and I find out that I am ill-equipped due to cancer then I might consider adoption.

Domestication,it's a skill that I have been having drilled into my brain for the past 20 years. Only now I'm starting to get it down...took me long enough right? Maybe but I'm just the type of person that can live in "organized clutter" and still manage to function right. Granted my mom makes me clean my room is the clutter becomes too unmanageable.

But I digress.


Lately I have been the baker of the family baking up all sorts of cookies and watching them disappear, it's been great :D. I have also been cleaning the house for my mom and while it has been tiring I have been doing pretty good. I'm pretty sure that when I get my own place in the future that it will be kept pretty clean. I'm not a fan of messes though I make them but I tend to try to clean up after myself at one point or another.

Other things in my life are going fairly well, my boyfriend (Alex) and I have been together for almost 2 months. I know it's not that big of a deal for two people to make it together for 2 months but for someone that has crappy luck staying in a healthy happy relationship with one person for even close to a year let alone 1 month this is really good. I can honestly say that I see good things in my future with him. As far as the cancer thing goes, I have a doc's appointment at the end of this week for a scan and blood test then in Febuary I believe I get my prognosis (hopefully it's good). My hair is growing more and more every day and I love it! I miss having hair soooooooo much! Hmm let's see Alex asked me to his schools Valentine's Day ball/dance thing at his school two days before the actual day and that should be fun, I'm still hoping that I can make enchilladas and chocolate covered strawberries for us but if not I will do it another day when I have the money and we have the time.

So I suppose even though some things in my life are kind of hellish I have learned that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle and everything happens for a reason. But in the end we usually make it through it no matter how hard the journey was.

XOXO